*long vent* confused... grief... guilt... hurt... when will it stop?

About a year ago someone who I thought was my best friend got into a relationship with a guy 2 months after breaking it off with her boyfriend of 5 years.

We had been friends for almost 20 years at the time... shared everything with eachother. We were past the stage of keeping secrets from eachother.. so I got to see all these behind the scenes things going on. Emotional abuse.. right from the get go.

Things like "Apologize for not saying yes to going out with me and making us both unhappy." And accusing her of cheating whenever she went to the gym.. disabling her car... telling her he needed to go through all her messages to make sure she wasn't cheating or he could never trust her... telling her to be the provider since she made more money than him.. telling her that his kid, who can't speak and is 2, forgives her for wanting to leave them because she doesn't want them anymore when she was just in a different room of the house.. ect ect..

I of course told her they were red flags. Showed her many sites articles ect about emotional abuse. She acted like she understood what I was saying and agreed... but wanted to talk to him...

Whatever, her choice. I can't make her life choices for her.

Then she found out she was pregnant and then she had a miscarriage. He kept getting into her messages.. asking why other friends had him blocked pretending to be her the whole time she was going through it.

Then the night when things started progressing... he came at me. Telling me he had every right to go through her things.. said she was being a *** texting guys (nothing bad she is faithful he was just making a big deal out of everything). That I was the problem and I had to go... and blocked me. Yes, on her account.

Given me and her history.. I thought for sure it was the last straw... thought she wouldn't put up with it... I should have known better.. she messaged me on another platform, one he didn't check, told me she was fine and tired after.. said she would talk to him after she healed but she couldn't unblock me because he wouldn't like that. If I wanted to talk to her I could only during certain hours when he was working on that platform.

20 years and I was in hiding.

I was hurt.. being patient and after he came at me.. he used something super private to attack another friend of ours... something told only to my now ex-bestie and me in a private chat. He was trying to throw fuel on her own relationship problems to even the field in his eyes.

I thought for sure 3 months in and both these things happened.. he was going to be gone. No way she'd let him do that to her friends.. the ones she considered family...

Ha...

She did unblock me and added me back... apparently her mom took her out of the house because he went too far.. only to inform me she was back with him a week later. Of course I asked if her boyfriend was happy with her having me friended again and she said no. So I unfriended her to make her life easier. She agreed with many sad faces.

I was upset.. I was confused... I was so confused on why I wasn't being fought for... why I was suddenly the bad guy... while being told she loves and appreciated me and what I was saying... I was constantly telling her she was worth more than the treatment.. that a 3 month relationship wasn't worth it all and she was worth SO much more. She needed to love herself so she could know she was worth more. She kept assuring me.. kept agreeing and apprciating that I felt she was deserved better than how she was being treated.. told me it was something they've been working on...

I was upset and broken.. and yes.. started to loose my cool... started calling her relationship a relationshit... because well... she was constantly being put down... told who to talk to.. being harrassed.. ect... she was in a *** place and she went back to it. She started denying that his actions were wrong and started blaming herself for her treatment. Things he "helped" her realize.. things she needed to work on. It made me sick... reminded me of my own abusive relationship I had long ago.

I wasn't sugar coating nice anymore.. I was struggling with confusion, grief, guilt... depression... confused how she was allowing him to be that way to her and her friends and her mom... hurting for her and the loss... I was more excited for her bundle of joy than I had been for any of my siblings. I also felt like maybe she lost her little because of me... what if I stressed her out too much pointing out the red flags.. what if me insisting she keep working out when he was yelling she was cheating...but safely and not to strain caused it... what if something I said caused him to hurt her... then feeling guilty that I had 3 kids... 2 that survived complications.. that I didn't deserve my kids and how it wasn't fair I had 3 kids and she lost her first little.

I'm a mess I know...

Well given I didn't feel safe talking to her anymore.. and never knew if it was her or not.. he didn't like me and gave her the ultimatum of me or him...

I just kinda turned into a friendship of "hey how you doing. Cool"

New years eve I sent a message letting her know 3 games were free that she liked and she could grab them now for whenever she fixed her computer... and her butthat of a boyfriend got on there pretending to be her again and said if I ever talk to her again she could lose the 3 most important people in her life. (Him and his two kids)

Literally just video games... and he did that.

Then I ended up blocked again by him after he tried to egg me on and even tried to talk crap about my husband and my kids... he had no fuel but he tried.

So I messaged her on the other social media when he should be working and asked her if that's really how she felt...

And she came back telling me that I'm too judgemental... that I was talking crap about him and making stuff up because I was jealous... that I was disrespectful to her and her boyfriend... and that I always walked over her.

Those words hurt me hard... I didn't believe them... but I couldn't get the doubts out...

Not only was a 20 year friendship already a broken building.. but she and him just had to hit it hard so it could never be rebuilt.

Took me months to not obsess over every word she said. Every convo.. I was hurt.. confused...

I was either fine or bawling.. I wasn't the only one cut... she cut my kids.. they called her Aunty... she was there since they were babies... I had to hold my kids as they grieved the loss.. (I told them to not expect her to show up anywhere anymore... that we went down different paths and she took a path I didn't want to go down... I'm not so horrible to bad talk to my kids... or tell them what happened in detail... nor am I so horrible as to forbid them to talk to her in public... they are too young for private.) I'm still dealing with issues with my older two due to her cutting completely... she didn't just fade.. she went out swinging a sharp blade... watching them visably hurt when they go to birthday parties and she is there because she didn't cut those kids off... how is a mother to feel? I'm the person who got cut... they were collateral.. things she felt weren't enough to keep a bland friendship for...

8 Months passed since the new years incident.. at one point I was finally not upset and crying.. didn't spiral if I thought about her... the whole situation... ect... stopped struggling to not drop my 2 remaining friends in life during those first 8 months too... I haven't been able to try and make new friends.. because I've been afraid they will become the same... took me 8 months to finally be moving forward out of that darkness.. or so I thought..

3 months passed since I felt like I moved past and then her mom posted ultrasound of her being pregnant with her rainbow baby...

I got so excited... I was guessing the gender... thinking of gifts.. thinking of all the things I could do in return like she did for my littles. I was so happy!

I reminded myself that isn't for me anymore... I don't get to be there for any of it...

I tried to congratulate her at the very least...

But... at some point in my silence for 11 months... she decided the remaining places her boyfriend didn't already do she needed to block me.

What did I do to deserve being blocked everywhere.. even phone number...

Right back down into the darkness I went.. fell faster than I probably should've...

Wondering why I'm the only one out of us that is hurting so much.

I could only deduce I'm really this horrible person...

I finally snapped... dropped my 2 remaining friends... they deserve someone better.. someone who doesn't bring them down more and more..

All I do is ask everyone to hold me up recently... while I hurt... even when they need the support...

I'm a horrible person... I deserve to be blocked by everyone... everyone would be happier without me..

I told them bye... that I was sorry..

They said they'd give me space that they wouldn't leave forever... I doubt it.. they'll realize how much better life is without me...

It's been 2 weeks and I wanna break.. I miss them... but I know I shouldn't.. I'm a bad person... I offer nothing... I just suck all their good away and make them drown with me...

I haven't told my husband yet that I don't have friends any more... it's hard... I don't want him to worry... he himself has finally been making and trusting new people in his life.

I start to question every day if we didn't have young kids if he'd leave and block me everywhere too... wonder if I'm sapping away at him too.. if I'm the cause of his depression...

I know... this all stems off one friendship... one thing going bad.. I know it's probably all grief from losing something dear to me.. but what if I really am this big bad monster... I don't even have to do anything and I got blocked everywhere..

I'm this horrible person... I have to be... that's the only way everything makes sense..

When will the grief end? Is this still grief? Why am I the only one who was cut when they pointed out what he was doing was wrong? Why was he so *** bent on trying to take me down? Why was I the only one who seems like they are hurting with the loss of the other? Does that mean I have no value? Am I really that horrible?

I did the right thing right? Dropping the remainder of my friends to allow them happiness...

The loneliness will pass one day right?

Will I ever move past the breaking of the friendship? The loss?

Will I ever be able to have friends again?

Will I ever be able to stand on my own feet and support others again in their time of need?

I was so calm... collected... until I was attacked and defended her while he attacked me and her... I was still pretty level headed even after that... only a few slip ups where I lost my cool when I was being attacked... I backed off for my own sake... I practically disappeared... why did he have to come at me again? Why did they have to cut so deep.. the friendship was dying. Only kept a sliver for the kids... and she had to finalize that *** too...

Why do I hurt so much?

What was the point of blocking me everywhere?

Why am I so horrible?