my boyfriend got hit by a car, he hates me.

my boyfriend got hit by a car and now he hates me. yesterday after school me and my bf went to a revision class for our individual subjects, and after we were meant to go to his and talk (things have been tough between us with exams, and mental health) but I jokingly said "reckon we could make that bus" referencing a bus across the road. without thinking he crossed and stumbled and got hit by a big car, he has a bullet type wound in his forehead, various bumps grazes and bruises, and a broken wrist. I feel so guilty because it should have been me, crossing for the bus. it should have been me getting hit.

he's asked to go on break after taking to this really pretty girl who I can't stand because she is saying 'break up with her' to him and I feel so upset. I feel completely lost and hurt because he thinks that I'm only with him still because I'm attached when im reality I have so much love for him. I really just want him. I sent him a long paragraph apologising and saying I'd fix myself but he just said "I'll reply on Friday". what do I do? is this an excuse to leave me?

I have a history of self harm and I don't even know what to

do