stuck in limbo
first off sorry if this seems all over or nonsensical. i’m not always the best at phrasing. but i’ve been stuck in relationship limbo for the past few days and need human input on if i should let go or not. my friends have the same thinking style as me so it only helps so much but i figured here would have the potential for other mindsets
so for background i’m in a long distance relationship. my gf is an avoidant and im more anxious. on friday we were discussing her next visit as she hadn’t come the last 2 months (and had communicated not coming too late for me to plan to go. we’re both at fault for the delayed communication since she didn’t communicate and i put off asking to not pressure her) both missed months have logical reasons for why they were missed (money due to student loans and timing around sickness and a family obligation) but she had said last month that she would take a friday off to give us more time together as i’ve taken time off in the past and our schedules conflict annoyingly as of right now. over the last 2 months, her communication has been off and on as she’d occasionally go longer periods of time without messaging me. it was causing me anxiety but i wasn’t saying anything about it due to fear of being needy so it was just piling up. then she said she’d be coming saturday of the next week (i then work sun-tues and she has to go back for work on tues) i’d asked her why she was coming saturday and she said because she worked on friday (keep in mind that was her only reasoning) with her communication having been off and on and her seemingly just not following through on taking time off to spend more time with me i ended up messaging her the next day (saturday) about how ive felt as if im an afterthought and not a priority to her and it makes me feel as if her saying i miss you is performative due to her communication getting spotty and her not following through on taking the friday off. she responded back that she wouldn’t say she missed me if she didn’t mean it because that does nothing as she gets nothing from this relationship and is only in it because she wants to be. she told me she wasn’t able to take the friday off because her attendance already has her at risk of being fired and no one would pick up her shift and said “honestly at this point maybe we should just split” i responded back saying that i don’t expect her to fix anything and that this was just our communication issues. i owned up to how i bottle things up until i end up upset over something unrelated and it comes out but that she also doesn’t communicate things as if she had mentioned those facts when id asked why saturday it would have been the reassurance needed to keep me from jumping to the worst case scenario. i told her i didn’t want to break up but if that was what she wanted i couldn’t force her to stay. she hasn’t responded since. yesterday (monday) i ended up messaging her im trying to give her space but i need to know where she’s at about us so i know how to move forward. she hasn’t responded to that yet either. she does however have a history of sleeping on and off after emotional discussions and she also worked one of the days between our initial messages and me messaging her (incase the work plays a part she messaged me about the split right after a 12 hour shift. then had to wake up the next morning for another 12 hour shift. then monday she should have been off which is why i messaged her before my 12 hour shift. i’d messaged at about 3 yesterday to not be too close to when she had to sleep for her next 12 hour shift tuesday morning)
all of that leads me to my question of if i should just give her more time to get back to me or if i should consider us broken up and start to grieving process
@humorousBlueberry8317
It can be a really difficult thing if you don't know where you stand in a relationship. I agree, it's like being in limbo, or in some cases, like being in freefall.
I can't really give advice, but perhaps you would find it helpful if I shared some observations. From what I can tell, she may be feeling pressured to communicate when she may not be in any emotional state to do so. That she already feels as though she's at risk for being fired, and also that she doesn't feel that she is able to meet your expectations, could have her feeling quite overwhelmed.
It's perfectly reasonable that she would choose to work that Friday, rather than jeopardize her already tenuous position at her job. It may not seem that way from your perspective, but it's true.
It does sound challenging for an avoidant person and an anxious person to be a couple. In this situation, your anxiety could trigger her desire to be avoidant.
Having attendance problems at work suggests that she is having difficulty managing her life, and she may not feel like talking to you when she's feeling especially out of sorts. It also may be that she has decided that the long distance relationship is simply not working out.
I understand honest communication, and seeking reassurance, but if that seeking happens too often, it may be interpreted as a lack of trust, as though you don't believe she will tell you when things may be going wrong. On the other hand, a partner may wait until it's too late to repair the relationship before letting the other person know that there's a problem.
I have had a similar situation a couple of times in my past. In both situations, I waited a couple of weeks before deciding that it was over. In one case it was and in the other, we stayed together.
