thank you axtyn
@axtyn
axtyn, i really really really cant thank you enough. you are so so supportive, kind, nice, caring, and such an amazing friend. you are a part of the very few that i feel like i could say anything, and you would respond to me, or help support me.
you care so much about others, and have gone out of your way to support me when i was having a tough time tonight. i really appreciate it, more than you could ever know.
this might not mean very much to you, and you probs dont care, but i really care about you, and i want you to know that i will be here for you, just like you were for me.
thank you so so so much -
clover, clobber, or emma (whatever you prefer lmao)
@mysteriousClover
Cloverr omg, i genuinely teared up at this 😭
I dont know how many times i need to say it- you DONT need to thank me at all. I did the bare minimum, a friend was hurting so i supported. Im so SO glad it helped you out.
I do care, Clover. I care more then you could ever ever imagine. This means more to me then you could ever imagine as well
I love you, Clover.
I care about you
You are worth so much
You are so strong
And you deserve so much better
Im always always here for you sissss 💗💗💗💗
xxx
Axtynnn
@Axtyn
i do have to thank you- you were there for me when everyone else wasn't. your bare minimum was more than enough for me, as i am used to nothing.
@mysteriousClover
Its been like 12 hours and i promised i would check in on you- and yes i thought about you during math class 😭
How are you Clover? Any better then yesterday? 💗💗
@Axtyn
axtyn your the best omg-
but not really to be honest. just really felt like crap the entire day, was super nervous around everyone, didn't really eat at all, and got kicked out of my lunch table.
but i swear, your note made my night because today sucked.
how are YOU?
@mysteriousClover
Of coursee. Its not good to hear you didnt have the best day. Did something happen that caused you to feel unsettled and things to go wrong slowly? Sends love- Hope things get better soon 💗💗
Aww im glad it did!
Im goooddd! Thank youuu
@Axtyn
nah, im just nervous around people, makes me feel sick, dont eat, feel bad, complain about it, get yelled at.
i'm glad you are doing good!
@axtyn
im worried for myself. i dont feel like myself. i dont feel right. idk how to describe it, scared almost. not sure what to even do with myself or my life. im scared axtyn.
@mysteriousClover
Thats not good to hear at all. :( I also deal with anxiety so i understand how life consuming it is, just thinking about the *what ifs* always. Were you able to eat now?
You sound really scared, Emma. Not knowing what next steps to take are always scary for sure. I cant imagine what you must be going through right now. Do you wanna share more on that? 💗
@axtyn
no i didn't eat.
@axtyn
right now, the steps are to keep going, or give up completely. i'll try to keep going, but nothing is getting better. i cry myself to sleep almost every night, and have the highest expectations to live up to. nobody ever know what im going through, i keep it all with me, then i crack and everything spills out. THATS why im scared. i dont know how to keep going in a way that makes me feel good. or in a way thats safe. so, if i ever dont come back, ill make the prettiest sunsets i promise axy.
@mysteriousClover
Can you eat soon, Emma? Thats very concerning
No Emma. The only options are to keep trying, you only have one option because i know you. Youve been already through so much ***, and yet, yet, you still make other people smile, you still radiate happiness and kindness. Love, you are truly one of the strongest people i have ever met. This time tho, you will succeed- once you find the right people who deserve to be in your beautiful presence. Even so, learn to be your own source of peace, be better for *you*.
Im always here for you to crack on, if you ever need support im always here for you, always Emma.
I have no doubts you'll make the most stunning sunset one day because you already make the most beautiful human. You have so much life to still live, Emma. So so much. So instead just keep shining like the beautiful sun you already are. Everything's gonna be okay love, everything will fall into place at the right time, okay? Stay strong 💗
@Axtyn
tried that already. hanging on by a god damn thread right now. i'm not strong, thats why i opened up to someone.
@Axtyn
back to feeling like this :/
although i found someone, one person i trust. one person ill say gn and gm to every day. someone i can be myself with.
i am just like not in it anymore.
@axtyn
i might have thought about you all day- and about everything you said yesterday and the day before.
i legit appreciate you so much. actually axy. you are the first one who has cared in a while.
@mysteriousClover
Aw, of course, Emma. I hope you're doing better now 💗
@Axtyn
i am a little better.
still feel like *** but have eaten a little more than yesterday. today literally sucked though. i have no lunch table, (didn't eat lunch), still wanna *** give up, but having someone that actually *cares* has helped.
@mysteriousClover
Im glad you were able to eat a little more then yesterday, progress is progress. I'm actually not the best person to support eating issues though, due to personal issues. I'm so sorry! I hope you understand 💗
@Axtyn
you're totally fine. didn't really expect support anyways, so i appreciate you being there and just listening.
@axtyn
what's even the point of anything? exactly. i'm done living to please. or living at all, but i just need a break. i'm still coming here every night, i just need a break from my life at home. just to stop texting.
and axy, i won't be back tomorrow. i'll get back to you soon, just wanted to let you know that i am alive.
@mysteriousClover
Please take all the time you need, Emma. You come first. Take care 💗
@Axtyn
i'm going to a sleepover lmao and i can't bring my computer
@axtyn
i *** up. i *** up real bad.
everything won't be ok. im never ok, and never will be. im not worth anything, and never will be. im not strong, im getting weaker every day. i dont deserve anything better, because im a *** to everyone. thats why they dont give a *** about me. because when i point something out, like them never responding, they *** block me. then i take it way too personally, i *** overthink it all, i cry meself to sleep. every *** night. i dont cope well, then blame myself for feeling ***. i have everything I could ever wish for. I have good parents, my own room. i have a mostly stable family, breakfast, lunch and dinner.
@axtyn
i still feel like I have no place here. feel like i have no purpose. which is true. i dont. i can't tell anyone that i have depression and anxiety and insomnia because everyone fakes it. they take real mental illnesses, glorify them, and make them seem less severe than they actually are. there are days when i feel so dizzy and disoriented from lack of sleep and nutrition that I could pass out. but i don't tell anyone because i don't want to be seen as attention-seeking. then i dont *** sleep again because i decided to tell someone, and they didn;t believe me, and thought i was faking it all. i ask someone *** that, many people, to check on me, just say hi sometimes, they say that they ar etoo busy and *** block me. they make me believe i dont deserve to be here. that i dont mean anything to anyone. its mentally draining. its draining as ***. and it *** sucks because *normally* im the therapist friend. helping everyone else go through their ***. and at school im “happy and fun” and all that *** im not ok im tired and way to insecure. im the therapist friend so not everything is about me. i need to vent to my friends but im afraid there gonna think im weird and leave me. i let people hurt me bc im afraid to lose them. i almost never open up, and i only do when i feel like literal ***. when i feel that there is no point. nobody in my life has noticed that im going through ***, and it destroys me to know that people dont notice. nobody has noticed that i have went quiet, stopped eating, started to keep my head down in class, never get any sleep. they dont notice anything even when i tell it to their faces. im not myself rn. im not ok. im scared. like really scared. im scared that my mind is gonna *** get to me. im scared that im gonna be too *** mean to the 3 people i care about, and im gonna push them away, but need them. then i wont have anyone to go to. it wouldent change that much though. so im back to my 2 options. and im not leaning towards the good one. im doing my best right now, but my best aint much.
@mysteriousClover
It sounds like you're going through a really hard time right now, Emma. I can imagine not being able to confide in anyone about your declining mental health, puts a lot of strain on your body. It also looks like you dont have many people around you, but even the ones you do have around you tend to push away. Im so sorry you're going through all of this, love. It sounds so so hard :(
Thank you for sharing though. I really hope things get better soon 💖
@Axtyn
I often notice that we invalidate our feelings when its a romanticized illness, or we believe that we should be happy because of the environment we were born in. It really sounds like youre living a content life, but sometimes our minds can be extremely tricky. Emma, what do you feel is causing all the symptoms of depression, anxiety, lack of appetite, and insomnia? DO you think your parents would be willing to hear? Im so sorry no one notices, Emma, people can be incredibly self absorbed sometimes. I care though, and i will always care. Here for you, always 💖
@Axtyn
i know this is hypocritical but you need sleep too axy.
no. i have tried to open up to my parents before, they didn't listen. they are too busy dealing with my sister (who has a really really bad ED and its not getting better) to pay *any* attention to me, who is visibly getting worse. that is probably one of the "symptoms" of whatever the *** is happening to me. is having to deal with arguing in the house all the time. my sis with mom, my sis with dad, *** it, my mom and my dad about whatever they did wrong for avery to be raised like this. and guess what. I *** KNOW WHY. they were so much harder on me as a kid, they took my bedding when i cried, so i was raised to not show emotions, i had to sit at the table until i finished my food, for hours sometimes. they forced me to eat. they forced me to be emotionless. its impacting me so much today, as i cant show or tell my emotions very well thats why i have trouble opening up. and when i do open up, i typically trust people too fast. just because its out of the normal for me.
@mysteriousClover
aw I appreciate the concern, but sleep has not been my friend lately haha.
Hmm, it sounds like your parents really have their hands full with your sister, to a point i do understand both points though. Its not fair to you that they focus all their attention on her, yes, she definitely needs attention, but you do as well. That sounds really hard, Emma. It also looks like your parents didnt have the best parenting tactics when you were a child, i can imagine how things that happened then, still impact you quite drastically. It really sounds like youre going through a hard time 💕
@axtyn
i feel like *** 😃
expected at this point though.
@mysteriousClover
Oh no ): Thats not good to hear. Did you eat today?
@Axtyn
i would like to say that i did- i was really really nervous today for no reason, and i didnt feel very good the entire day. yAy nervous stomach.
@AXTYN
whats wronggggg???
you cant just leave room on "no".
i hope you feel better
@axtyn
im sorry. im sorry for asking dumb questions, im sorry for bringing *** up that i know you dont want to talk about. im sorry for making you listen to all of my *** when you have your own life with your own problems. dont say that im fine, because i know im not. i know you are tired of me. so i guess ill just stop. i know you said you would be here for me whenever, but that seems like too much. ill slow down. find a listener. only vent to you when i really need to. im sorry. really really sorry.
@mysteriousClover
Noo emmaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dont be sorry at all, dont be sorry for anything, ever! *im* sorry- i just dont like talking about me much and thats how i cope :'))
You are good, Emma. Im so sorry if i made you feel like i was sick of you- im SO not! youre one of my closest friends here, and the best 13 yr old in existence :b
Ill never ever be sick of you, ever, and im ALWAYS here for you, ALWAYS. Its not too much, please trust me and lmk if there's anything i can do to ake it up to you if i hurt you ):
@Axtyn
ilysm axy
@axtyn
i *** up i *** up i *** up i *** up i *** up i *** up so hard
my parents went through my *** phone and saw everything private. every single *** thing that i wanted to keep private. every single *** locked note, they went through in my *** face. i literally have been crying for 20 minutes after it all happened, and im *** scared. im not breathing as much as i should, im shaking and i cant *** stop. they read all of me venting to myself, and putting it in a *** locked note, and they know everything now. they *** know about my fights with my friends. they *** know every single private *** detail of my entire *** depressed life. they know how i feel now. they know how bad ive been feeling. they know that i like girls. i wasnt ready for them to know. im scared for them to know. im scared to wake up tomorrow and deal with them. they know how one of my very best friends blocked me. and they know how i got nobody involved, and they know how *** bad it made me feel. they ready my *** 8 page long letter to that friend. they did all of this in front of my *** face. and said no words whatsoever. they just made faces to each other, and they somehow understood each other. i know that they are so *** homophobic and im so *** scared. really actually *** scared. they know too much. this wont ever get better. it never will.
@mysteriousClover
Im so sorry to hear this, Emma. Through your messages i hear your pain, and i understand how uncomfortable and invading it must've felt for your parents to go through your messages, from them finding so many personal details, to them finding out you like girls. That sounds so scary, and i cant imagine what you must be going through right now. Do you think now that they know they'll be able to support and help you? Sometimes our parents can surprise us no matter how well we think we know them. Sends love and luck- i hope things end up okay
Hugs emma 💞💞
@Axtyn
nope. i have known the entire time, as their parenting style differs between me and my sister. (who's name is avery btw) when my *I* was little, they made me sit at the table until i finished every bite of my food, even if i was gagging at every bite. and whenever i cried- they took away all of my stuffed animals and bedding. but for my sister- she could leave whenever she wanted from the table, and never had to eat what the rest of us were eating. and whenever she cried? she got love and comfort from my parents. i can tell who's the favorite in this situation.
today sucked. my parents were jerks about everything, and i also gt my phone talen away for a long *** time. i didnt say a word to them all day. it sucked. i feel like literal *** rn.
how are you doing axy?
@mysteriousClover
Hey Emma 💕
im sorry to hear you arent feeling well. It sounds like your parents were very harsh on you compared to your sister, and that is never fair. You didn’t deserve that type of treatment ):
its also not good to know that your phone got taken away, and you wont be getting it back for a while. I can imagine that makes you feel pretty irritated considering you didnt do anything to deserve that. I hope your parents are able to realize that soon enough. *hugs hugs*
im alright, thank you for asking Emma 💕
