thank you axtyn
@axtyn
axtyn, i really really really cant thank you enough. you are so so supportive, kind, nice, caring, and such an amazing friend. you are a part of the very few that i feel like i could say anything, and you would respond to me, or help support me.
you care so much about others, and have gone out of your way to support me when i was having a tough time tonight. i really appreciate it, more than you could ever know.
this might not mean very much to you, and you probs dont care, but i really care about you, and i want you to know that i will be here for you, just like you were for me.
thank you so so so much -
clover, clobber, or emma (whatever you prefer lmao)
Hey Em
Its been a while since ive checked in, and i know you haven't been well lately, in all honesty i haven't been 100% either. I do want you to know that i still do care about you so so much, and i want to make sure you're doing alright at the least. How have you been em? 💕
Hey Em
Its been a while since ive checked in, and i know you haven't been well lately, in all honesty i haven't been 100% either. I do want you to know that i still do care about you so so much, and i want to make sure you're doing alright at the least. How have you been em? 💕
@Axtyn
***. i am not ok. nowhere near ok. im getting worse almost everyday, with minimal days that i feel at all better whatsoever. i am still crazy nervous, just sitting to eat lunch. i suppose that is because of all the drama i have just withstood- that made my mental health hit its downfall. although, yes i have found myself getting closer with one of my friends, i can feel that she is pulling away. this happens everytime now, because i find myself trusting someone, then i open up, and everything spills out everything at once. so i have found someone else i can trust, but i really dont think that the relationship between me and her is going to work at all. so now, i am just waiting for this to fall apart like the rest of my life has. nothing is getting better, and i am so tired of everyone in my life saying that everything is going to be fine, just get over it. why is it that when we have a problem, or something is wrong, the FIRST advice we get from people is what? get over it? they don't care to think, they don't care to ask, they don't CARE what you are going through, they just want to bring it back around to themselves. thats the one part that i am struggling with the most. is finding a way to get up every morning when everyone in my life thinks that i am just looking for attention. thats why ive just stopped talking. im always quiet in class now, i never talk in my clubs, ive kicked the social aspect out of my life right now. i hate it. and nobody has been noticing that im getting quieter, and less willing to do things. it really pains me to know that nobody has been noticing me getting worse all of the time.
@mysteriousClover
Hey Emma 💕
I'm sorry to hear that you aren't doing too well, and that your mental health has been declining. It sucks to hear that you find every time you get close with someone, they distance themselves. I can imagine that really impacts you, especially after trusting and opening up with them. You're absolutely right, no one has any right to tell you to "get over it", it must be so overwhelming and invalidating to have someone tell you that ):
It sounds like you're been distancing yourself from everyone and everything and no one has been noticing, i can imagine that must be so hard. Have you tried opening up to your parents again? Sometimes it can be hard for people to notice when in general they don't notice much. I hope you feel better soon, Em 💕
Hugs?
@Axtyn
ofc hugs axy.
never in a million years am i making myself vulnerable again. cant do it.
axy, ik you arent ok, whats up? yk im here for you always
@Axtyn
cant do this in a room so i hope you see this. naomi today, wasnt doing great, said she didnt have the strength to hang on anymore. i talked to her, i tried my best and im not sure what is gonna happen, but im scared. naomi before she left cups for the night, asked me to do something for her and im gonna follow through. so, naomi says hi, and wants you to know that she loves you and cares about you so much.
and for the record, me and naomi for the past week or so, were so worried about you, naomi said that she cried herself to sleep once because she didnt want anything bad to have happened to you. so the other day we were talking and she said this "yeah after tm if there is no sign im gonna lose it. last night after i left i literally CRIED myself to sleep abt it... and then cried some today. ***. life is a real pain in the ***"
anyways, thats all, just wanted to let you know about naomi bc she really wanted me to.
Sorry it posted twice :0
* I did apologize, but to some extent i feel a little manipulated whenever you say that "you both were extremely worried and crying" I do understand this, but i am trying my best to heal personally after a really bad period of time. I hope you both know that i am trying to make this right, and i hope you both understand and forgive me.
@Axtyn
im sorry im sorry im sorry i didnt mean any of it it got too bad just forget ot all. just forget everything, im getting the posts deleted. im so sorry for all of this.
@Axtyn
i didn't think about what i was saying, and im sorry that i put you in a tough space. i realize what i did, and shouldnt have said anything about it in a public space. this is all my fault, as i brought it up in the first place. im so sorry axy, there is nothing you need to do to make it up to me, because you live your own life, and you needed time for yourself. just forget about me ok? it was all my fault, im so very sorry.
@Axtyn
and when i say that im living bc of you, i mean it in a way that you helped me through a rough patch and i appriciate it. im sorry.
@mysteriousClover
Emma, it wasn't my intention to make you feel bad at the slightest. Your intentions were certainly so pure, and all you said truly touched me. I know you understand what i mean. Please dont be sorry, i hope we can move on from this with fresh slates. Please dont feel bad at all 💕
@Axtyn
lets move on yes, but i still feel so bad. you don't need to apologize to me, as i was the one to violate your privacy. its all on me. don't try and take the blame.
@Axtyn
sorry for bringing this back up, but i keep overthinking it, and there are still some things that i feel like i need to explain.
- when i said that i was crying, i was not so much crying because of how bad i missed you, but because when i wasn't doing so hot, i went back and read what you have said to me before, and i appreciated so much, so everything i was feeling just turned to tears. i'm sorry that anything i said made you feel guilt, or as i was manipulating you, because that was never my intent. i was just simply worried, and everything just spun out of control.
- it was not inconsiderate of you to leave cups without notice. you needed time away, and it was good that you were able to recognize that. don't take the blame for not telling us, because i just took things out of control.
- as you know, i don't have many people i trust, so when i find someone, i tend to get clingy. that is something that i am working on, but it is the culprit of this entire problem.
- and yes, i forgive you, although there is nothing to be forgiven for. this was ALL my fault, and i apologize for that. i don't feel bad after your post, i actually appreciate you calling it out. i am not hurt, or offended by this in the slightest.
i hope you can accept my apology axy, and please stop blaming this on you. it was my bad.
@Nomifordays
@axtyn
heyyy <3
its been a minute since we have talked, and i miss talking to u. how have you been?
and im just gonna speed this up so i dont forget haha- ive been getting way better, and its going better for me over the past few weeks. ive gotten the sleep i need, ive gotten amazing scores on tests, and ive gotten compliments in volleyball, and im in the running for athlete of the monthhh and im rlly excited.
i still have rough patches some days and it rlly sucks, but im so glad that im making progress finally.
@mysteriousClover
Emmaaa, ahh ive missed you soo much!
Awh Em, you simply dont even know how proud i am of you. I am so extremely proud! I knew you would be able to do this and you did! Life is full of ups and downs as always, but im just so so happy for you! Im alright, thank you for asking 💕
@Axtyn
do you even just feel so numb like you don't know how to like exist- like i should have had an amazing day today and like everything is falling apart. i spent all day with my friends and smiled and laughed the whole time.
although it is falling apart, my *** friends are ghosting me, i [tw] relapsed after being months clean, my family is *** falling apart because of my *** sister, my grades are dropping, im not sleeping much anymore, my volleyball is getting worse, everyone is noticing im not ok and it hurts. idk what to do man
@mysteriousClover
Hey Em. It sounds like you've been feeling pretty numb lately, even thought you were surrounded by good people who were supposed to make you feel better. Often our family's dynamic and heath reflect our mental health stability considering family time and home time is when we feel safest and most at "ease". I can tell your sisters condition has been affecting your entire family drastically, resulting in unease for everyone. Im so sorry things have been going downhill again, it sounds like a very helpless situation ): I really really hope things will get better for you soon, and start falling into place. i can imagine youre going through a rough period right now.
Sends love and hugs <3
@Axtyn
we have a problem. you don't have to reply, i'm sorry that all i do is vent.
my parents just *** read all of my texts and saw all of my vents and everything i hid from them and like they know im gay and like they didnt say anything and like im so scared to tall them and i dont trust them im so uncomfortable at home i dont feel great whenever im at home and like i didnt know how to put that into words and like thye got mad when i didnt know how to word it and like i just spent lik eth epast hour crying and like im so drained and im not ok and its not ok all i literally said and did for the past hour was cried, cried, cried until i shook, "idk", "i dont trust you", "you guys are invalidating my feelings", cried, cried, almost had a damn panic attack and after all that they took my *** ohone. like they couldnt tell i wasnt ok- they just took my only thing keeping me stable rn bc of my friends- they took away.
@mysteriousClover
Hi Emma. Im so sorry to hear that your parents went through your phone, i can imagine texting/ typing was your release for some of your most private moments, and i just know how invasive it must've felt for them to barge in and read through it all. That all sounds so painful, Em. Of course you cried, i dont have words to really even come close to let you know how bad i feel for you ): Sends all my love and luck for you. I hope they give it back soon without reacting negatively to anything that they read, nothing justifies their behavior at all, it simply just makes them look really bad, i cant imagine why anyone would do anything like this, but i know it hurt, Em. Im with you and im here for you. You're not alone hun, so please keep venting and sharing 💓
@axtyn
i got the phone back.
they just want to go back to how it was, not realizing how much they broke me. they broke my trust, and it's going to take way too long for them to earn it back at this rate.
@mysteriousClover
Thats totally valid ): <3
@axtyn
hey hey- its been a while, and i noticed your acc wasn't there for a few weeks, but im so so glad that youre back. how are you doing axy?
@mysteriousClover
Hey Em <3
It definitely has been a while, i had some issues with my account, but no need to worry bc im back now, and im super happy to hear from you. I was trying to find this forum but i completely lost it smh! How are you, Em? Everything okay?
@Axtyn
no everything is not ok. everything is getting worse, and its not good. i relapsed last week and i need to get better because i cant *** live like this any longer and for the past few weeks ive been having like panic or anxiety attacks, for a while without a known trigger, but i think its camp. the one place i NEED right now, is causing anxiety and nerves and i just cant do it. its getting worse too my sister is tearing my family apart and i got in a fight with my best friend and it sucked. and like idk i might be over reacting but it feels like everything is falling apart under my feet.
https://streamable.com/f16vg1 thats what i wanted you to see lmao- it makes me laugh watching it to this day because i look like so much of an idiot.
how are you?
@mysteriousClover
Ohh no, im so sorry to hear so, Em. It sounds like everything has been rapidly declining which is so unfortunate to hear. I hope camp helps you get to your best self again, youre almost there <3
@axtyn
guess who forgot about this againn
how have you beennn? i feel like i haven't seen you in rooms like at a l l lately
(totally unrelated but 79 days until campp)
@mysteriousClover
You reminded me too lolll
So lovely hearing from you Em. Ive been okayy thank you for asking! Hows you, Emma? 💗
Wooh!! Almost thereee 🥳🥳
@Axtyn
glad your okk
im struggling ngl but oh well i cant do anything about it
@axtyn
i keep forgetting we have this (':
#1 i think we need a new forum (':
#2 i feel like its been forever since we've talked againnnn i miss talking to youu
how have you been?
i'm also gone for 2 weeks, then camp right after, so i might not see this until later later like august (danm im just now realizing that)
i just wanted to check innnnnnn i hope you're doing wellllllllll <3
@mysteriousClover
Emmaaa haiiii
I forgot about this too 😭 suree if you want you can make a new forum :')
im good, just been away :D how about you?
yay camppp- see you when you get back em <3
@Axtyn
hii ax <3 it really has been forever since i've talked to you, and ngl i miss it a whole bunch and i miss you a whole bunchh
i've made it back from all of camp this year, i really needed it tho and im so glad i went but it really sucks leaving (': it was so so so nice tho and i would love to tell you all about it if you wanna hearr
i made the 8th grade volleyball team last week, and our first game is next mondayy
i was actually doing a whole lot better for a long while, which was so so nice and also kinda gives me a good goal now (':
i hope you've been alright, and if not ik it isn't much as we haven't connected in ages, but i'm always always here for you
i hope we can talk soonnnnn
so much love, em <3
@mysteriousClover
Emma hiii!!! Welcome back! I missed you so much too
Woohh camp accomplished! Im glad you had a good time! I wanna hear it alll, we all need a refresh and im glad it did that for you
Congrats on the team, im glad its all going well!! and as always, im here for you too!
all my lovee
axtyn
@Axtyn
hihihihhhiiiiiiiii
im gonna do my best not to ramble about camp cus i tend to do that now but it was so so nice
i went on a 12 mile backpacking trip and a 10 mile canoeing tripp and they were both so nice and i loved the people i was with and the trip leader was so so amazing and when i came back for second session they kept staying out late with me at the beach and making sure i was ok and it was so nice of them and i miss it but i did get 6 weeks with them so i can't rlly complain and the sunsetss were freaking amazing and i got to watch them every night out on the beach and stay out there for ages talking to my fav people ever and watching the sunset i miss it smm and idk if i can go back which really really sucks. next summer i cuold go on a 44 mile backpacking trip and it would be so so nice and would give me something to look forward to cus i dont have anything like that anymore. i wouldn't be able to go cus vball open gyms go alllllll summer and i doubt i could miss 3 weeks of basically tryouts. so i gotta pick what i wanna do which is gonna suckkk but i have until jan to figure it outt
how have youu beennnnn i miss youuu
@mysteriousClover
heyy emma! i completely missed your message completely it sounds like you had an amazing time!!!! im so glad you had a great summer, and ahh i seee well its okay you have time to decide what you wanna do next summer :')
love you! i hope to talk soon!!!
