Are we too different?
I've been with my partner for several years now. We are complete opposites in the way we react to/handle things.. I've had anger issues in the past, but I've worked on them and feel like I've been able to think and process things more rationally than I would've in the past. My partner on the other hand is very passive and will avoid confrontation at all costs. I had an issue with a friend of hers that was living with us for a while at the start of "quarantine" because the friend and her bf had been hopping from home to home before coming back to our place and did not want to social distance nor did they respect the space we had separated for them. We had split the apartment in two and there was plenty of space for each person, but the friend still ignored our(my) requests of space. What made it even more uncomfortable was the friend's unhealthy relationship with her bf. It started to trigger my PTSD and got to the point were, instead of blowing up in anger I would ignore her and try to keep quietly to myself by meditating, journaling, or listening to podcasts. Ultimately, the friend kept overstepping, even to the point of making my partner (her best friend) uncomfortable, but my partner said nothing.. and on top of that got mad at me for ignoring her friend because it was hurting her friend's feelings. It has been months now since the friend moved out and this still comes up as an issue because of how I handle it. Recently, while my partner was on a phone call with her mom, I was in a down mood because of some negative world events that had taken place that day and I didn't feel like socializing, so her mother proceeded to shout insults at me for not wanting to listen to her story over the phone and my partner just laughed! I told my partner that her mother's actions weren't okay. I was extremely upset, but I wasn't going to stoop to her mother's level and insult her back. After that video call, my partner and I had a long conversation about her never taking my side or standing up for me. She says it's because of her fear of confrontation, but to laugh at something like that is to encourage the bad behavior. She ended up speaking to her mom about it that same night and her mom texted me some half-assed apology. I was still pretty upset, but decided to just be direct and told her that disrespect was never okay in any relationship and that sometimes I just didn't want to speak to her and that should be okay. She just replied with "okay".. and now 3 weeks later my partner is mad at me because the last half of my message really hurt her mother's feelings.. but she still doesn't think I have a valid reason to be upset about the insults or that my response to her mother was okay. We've been together for years and everything had been great, but now she feels like I'll always have issues with her friends and family and she doesn't want that for the future and obviously neither would I, but she doesn't get how it wasn't okay for her mother to insult me in the first place. I feel like she never tried to see my side of things.. she says she's unable to.. I really feel like it's a lack of trying.. I don't know what to do. I know deep down my partner is a good person, but if she constantly invalidates my feelings, to avoid confrontation, I'll suffer. It would be nice just to hear other's opinions on this.. anything really. Even if you think I was wrong in how I handled things. I know there's always room for improvement.
@Mfmg
Anger management is extremely difficult; well done to you for working on the anger issues and making such progress!
With all the different examples you've shared, it seems like an issue of clear boundaries. Perhaps when you had the anger issues, you'd have dealt with her friends and family overstepping their bounds in a different way. It wouldn't be an ideal way, but you were used to getting that anger out of your system. It seems like the anger at the moment is not getting any outlet. Anger is an emotion and you can't stop feeling how you feel. It is absolutely okay to feel angry. What is required is a healthy way of expressing it respectfully; if necessary setting clear boundaries when you feel pushed.
e.g. You and your partner had discussed and agreed on a set of rules to divide space to ensure safety while her best friend and partner stayed; an important aspect missing was consequences. "I appreciate your difficult housing situation and (your partner) would like us to help. There are some house rules (list the rules). I hope we can make this house sharing arrangement work and avoid any need for you having to make alternative arrangements. " That sets a clear expectation, defines a consequence, and allows no space for misunderstanding.
I am a bit perplexed about the mother insulting you situation. You say she laughed at it because of her fear of confrontation. Yet, when a couple of words on a text hurt her mother's feelings, the same partner is "mad at you" 3 weeks. How does that work? Is it just you that she is able to be "mad" at?
Thank you for your reply. That's an interesting point, I haven't thought about giving my anger an outlet. I haven't had an outburst of anger around my partner or her friends and family. I should've clarified that my anger issues were mainly when I was a teenager and stronger before I met my partner. I think it is just resurfacing now because of the constant stress I've been under this past year with my own family drama and just the "unknown" of the pandemic. In the past I was exercising regularly and I think that helped me relieve some stress.. I've been so unmotivated to to do much of anything this past year, but I know I should start up again little by little. Trying to set my boundaries this past year has been the issue. Because there weren't any I was reacting when something would affect me and maybe I wasn't communicating well. I wish we had had a clearer understanding of boundaries before this past year. My partner is almost opposed to boundaries because she thinks it means cutting her friends and family out of my life and ultimately out of her life too. I've tried to explain that that is not what boundaries mean and that I'm really just expecting respect for me and my space. It's almost as if she is aware that they can't or won't respect that.. but I think that would be the bare minimum. I don't think she is mad at her mother because she holds her in high regard. Her mother has battled with depression among other things over the past 7 years or so, so I think, because of that she is also "easier" on her. I think a big issue is that my partner sees us as ONE unit and therefore has trouble with understanding my point of view.. she thinks that I am causing the issues because of how I handle things..
@Mfmg
Yes, the past year has been strange in so many different ways. You are quite right, it is a good idea to reconnect with positive activities that help you manage stress e.g. regular exercise.
About the ONE unit and her perception that your handling is causing issues ... there are different ways of seeing that one unit. It could be a balanced coexistence of your individual entities, with mutual respect for both to happily coexist. The disbalanced version is where one assumes the unit must function to serve their thoughts and feelings. e.g. if you are that primary, you'd expect both of you to be angry (or not) when you are .. and vice versa. So in the way you've described, you wouldn't be expected to feel hurt if she isn't feeling it.
No, you are not the issue. You have the right to feel hurt even if she doesn't feel the same.
We've got a little self help guide on boundaries that I feel might help https://www.7cups.com/boundaries/
Thank you so much for sharing the guide. It has really helped me a lot. I feel like I have some validation now for how I've been feeling. I really appreciate your response.
Just a thought to throw out there—trying to be understood is sometimes so futile. Many people just will not get you. It’s up to you to decide which people you really need to try to understand you, and if they can’t, they can instead act like someone who does understand and give patient support. My husband doesn’t understand a lot of my views and concerns, but he know they are important to me and does his best to give support. Over the course of 15 1/2 years together, he has slowly learned to put his foot down and defend me to his mother. Well I don’t know about defend, but more like speak for me as if it is his opinion and not just mine. Another thing to consider, there is the possibility your relationship with the mom will never improve. I still don’t care for my in-laws and even almost didn’t marry my husband because of them. It would have saved me a lot of grief if I would not have married him. All things to think about. And with the friends not respecting social distancing rules—they need to go. They are guests and need to respect your boundaries. And looks like your partner and partners mom need to learn boundaries too—and learn you never laugh at someone’s feelings or concerns—they are valid.
Thank you for your input! Yes, you're right about feeling understood.. as long as there's respect, I am fine with being misunderstood. I believe my partner and I will have a lot to work on with developing and respecting each other's boundaries as well. I have little faith that it'll be honored by my partner's mother, but as long as my partner can respect them I think we'll be able to move forward. All I'm asking for is mutual respect 🤷♀️