Don’t know ••Long Post**
I’ve been in this relationship for about 4 years. In the earlier years (about 2 years) it wasn’t the best. He had a “best friend” which I learned later that apparently they dated. In that time I was so depressed because of things at home, childhood trauma that I never spoke about, then the relationship. I lost sight of everything. It was so bad I would be around him and zone out or become mute. I felt so out of body it was a truly sad point in my life. The amount of times I cried everyday was insane.
Fast forward some time I went to therapy and it helped a lot. During the time he was treating me bad I never addressed it. I think in that state of mind I was in I didn’t know how to. I’m telling y’all I felt so robotic.. I silently forgave him which quickly turned into an issue because I started to get heavy trust issues. Last year summer I addressed everything because I felt it becoming unhealthy. I wanted to make things work. I took accountability on my part addressing things late and for going on. I asked him why he did things and he tried to act like he didn’t know what I was talking about. He then confessed and said I was trying to play mind games when in all actuality he was. The next day I had to break up with him because I told him he won’t ever change. The gaslighting to say I was playing mind games with him turned me off. So I did. Sometime after we talked again and he owned up to his bs and apologized he said he would change…
Ever since then if I seen something that was like what he would do in the past I would address it. I know they’re triggers for me and I address them but now he says I’ve become annoying. That I take nothing and turn it into something. For instance, what he says to be general posts on his *** story “I would never put my trust in none of these b******” but we’re supposed to be in a good space?It’s always something like that where it’s pertaining to his lack of trust in women or negative relationship stuff but he says I’m turning nothing into something and he doesn’t see an issue with it when I ask him about it. My trust issues have gotten so bad. I want to give him the chance but when he does stuff similar to before it sends me into that state.
Today I addressed another *** post where he said “The way I think you’ll think Im insecure. Im not I just know how b****** get”. My whole thing was the fact that he keeps posting things like this on his story about b****** this and that and from my perspective seeing these posts make no sense because of what he tells me. That he loves me for my heart and knows that I’m for him, how much I love him. We’re supposed to be good so I don’t get why he does this. It makes it seem like his focus is always elsewhere.So I asked who was he who was he talking about and he got mad at me. He told me to reread what he said and asked me if i was slow. He says he doesn’t understand me and that I never make sense to him. He says the ending part was from a song so that shows how I just be annoying.
I asked him that if he thinks I’m annoying and that I never make sense to him why does he want to be with me? He jumped to saying that if I don’t wanna be with him to just say that. Then said to stop asking dumb sh**. So my thing is it dumb to ask someone why they would even wanna be with you if that’s the stuff they are saying? To me it isn’t. He says it’s dumb because if he didn’t wanna be with me he wouldn’t.
All in all, I just don’t know how to feel. I already feel pretty messed up to have gotten this insecure & having my trust with him be so little. Am I wrong for addressing these things? I just need advice. Give me the real..
FYI. I’ve been with him since 17/18. I’m 21 now. I feel like he’s all I know. I don’t have any good support around me and the few friends I have are busy so I decided to come here.
@lavenderNest3213 hey, i feel for you. would you like to talk about it?
Can anyone see my posts on mobile? it looks like it doesn’t even show up except for the “elsewhere.So ”. Perfectly fine on desktop though