Fixing relationship that you messed up

I'm right in the middle of this one I'm afraid! I can't offer any resolve here!

I'm currently struggling with a seperation but not break up & I got the short stick. I'm camping in winter with a sleeping bag and minimal access to food & water! 100% all my fault! I caused a level of hurt that could be fixed over time. But I think the trust might be gone forever...

I ate my words the day I had to leave, no matter what I say to move past the problem and on to the solution. We are sort of stuck in the midst of anger, hurt & loneliness.

We have 2 kids that we cherish and only mum is there for them. As much as I must be there, now is not the time & also not mature for the kids.

My other half didn't get what she deserved & I'm now paying the price.

If you haven't noticed, I'm stuck in a loop of regret and sadness. Neither of us should fight alone! But I'm hated because we must be alone for now. My girl has 2 small kids with no dad around ATM. It's terrible.

Words are one thing, actions another... Good luck trying to act with no car, money, roof over your head or even clean clothes every day.

I kind of feel like saying fuck you, you have a heater and meals & my babies. But that solves nothing.

I think what I am trying to say is that sometimes, through happenstance and what have you. The world will in no way give you a bone to chew.

Work hard & after a while you might laugh at something genuinely funny. However relative. Maybe you won't stay in bed for 24hrs straight. I never want to stop saying sorry, but ya know that's probably half the reason we are in slow-mo. We're both hurt and paying the price.

My family can't have me unless I change, but change seems invisible when you are stuck in a tent only 20km away with no vision for the future.

Hi ToughPlane,

I hear you, and know how tough it is when your relationship is not working well. It’s also very stressful. I am in a similar situation, and am still working on the relationship. Not knowing your situation, I will share my thought, knowing they may or may not apply.

Several things I am thoughtful of right now are:

• relationships take at least two people to work. Acknowledging to yourself the other parties contributions, even if you do not mention them or act on them right now, acknowledging them is important.
• if your partner is volatile, vocally or physically, remind yourself you do not need to endure those situations. Make plans for how to leave those situations. If this difficult for you, practice your plan by yourself so you will remember in the moment. Acknowledge that it might not go well, but YOU are the priority in that situation.
• working on a relationship is stressful. Remember to take care of yourself too. Don’t stop the things you do for yourself.
• identify the top issue, and then identify and take small steps for improvement. Celebrate your small steps - even if it just with yourself. (As an example, celebrating with my partner is not helpful because he focuses on the remaining pieces)
• identify the easiest issues to work on / resolve (low hanging fruit). Identify the steps, and start knocking these out.
• how do you prove you changed? For me this is less of a moment (as in yay you did it, you changed) and more of consistently (as much as I can) maintaining the new habits, behaviors or whatever the change is your going for. Over time, my partner has started to remark on some of the things I am doing differently. Also, I notice him not getting as upset as frequently as before which I consider progress!

I hope some of these ideas resonate with you. I also know 7cups is putting together huddles (small groups who meet consistently and are dealing with similar issues). There are 2 posted right now dealing with relationships. I am going to try one out. I would encourage you to try one too if it appeals to you.

don’t forget to take care of yourself!

May