Hopes and expectations from partners
Hi,
I have been struggling a lot in my relationship lately. Dealing with emotions alone has been difficult for me. But there is this one question that has been troubling me. Is it right to expect the same things from your partner that you'd do for him at the drop of a hat?
Here's my incident. Last week I was hospitalized coz of some viral fever. My boyfriend heard about that and got worried. But he was also going for a trip with his friends the same weekend. That sort of made me feel dejected. So I told him that I don't like the fact that he's going for a trip when I'm hospitalized. Had been the other way round, had it been him who was hospitalized, I would've dropped all my plans and stay by the phone given we are in a long distance relationship. But he wasn't ready to cancel his plans for me. He said he would stay in touch through text throughout but knowing how he is, I knew he wouldn't be able to keep up. He kept saying he would make it up to me when he gets back by arranging a trip with me, but I turned him down saying it felt like a compensation and I don't need his compensation from him. And this irritated me so much that I had proposed to break up with him. My family and therapist have been telling me to talk it out with him when he comes back but somehow I'm tired and drained of compromising and sacrificing for him at every step. I compromised on our quality time just coz his college friends wanted to zoom call with him. I compromised for him on our quality time each time his friends walked in on us in his place. But he never compromised or sacrificed for me. On anything. Now when I said I would break up with him he said he would change for the better and try and show the same amount of dedication I did in the relationship. But he doesn't want to let go or let me give up. Can anyone tell me what should I do... I'm torn down... I love him a lot. And even I don't want to break up, but I can't take this one way sacrifice and compromise anymore. I've been thinking a lot but I haven't gotten anywhere. I would really appreciate if someone gave me a lead or a perspective on this.
@TheLonewolf96,
"Is it right to expect the same things from your partner that you'd do for him at the drop of a hat?"
It's not about wrong or right. The question is whether it is realistic.
The answer is, no it is not. You can't expect someone to return you a favor in the same way/form you performed a favor.
Having said that, you should only perform a favor if it doesn't feel like a favor to you.
As in, you should not expect anything in return.
It is like helping someone. If you have plenty of space within, you can offer help without expecting anything in return.
Now if you want to offer help and it feels like you expect something in return (I myself can feel that, quite often you feel some sort of tension), then don't offer help.
@TheLonewolf96 Hmm I am sorry you are unhappy in your relationship. I feel like it is healthy for both partners to have friends and fulfilling interests besides their partner, and I feel like it's important to respect your partner's time with his friends. Plus it's healthy for you to have your own friends and hobbies as well separate from him so things are more balanced. That being said, it is valid to want more attention or affection from him, whether that's him setting aside time for a nice dinner with candles or writing you cute notes or something. Maybe you could ask for things like that?