How do people get married?
I don't understand why I'm failing at this part of my life, except I sort of do. I only date people I think I could love. I'm not the sort of person who can do it from a lukewarm place. To be intimate with someone, I have to trust them and feel a powerful attraction.
This way has not been working for me.
I thought I could manage, but I can't, and now I have this fantasy: instead of trying again, I could go back and remediate the thing that was wrong in the first place, until it kind of looks as convincing as everybody else's relationships.
I'm a complete moron and I don't know how to be any different.
tw: heroin
if you went on three dates with a straitlaced young man who had similar goals to you, but then he casually mentioned that he used to do heroin, would you keep dating him? He's pretty tall.
Hey first of all I wanted to say I do not think you are failling. Mariage is not a social obligation. I definitely think it's best to be in love and attracted (both by their personality and apparence) with the person you marry/date (or else, what's the point? You'll both be with someone but miserable...).
So I don't see the problem with you only dating people you have feelings for. Even if it's a journey, and you had past relationships that didn't workout, should look for a relationship that feels real.
Unless you meant that the type of person you are attracted to are toxic people?
For my part I think I would date a person who has a past with drugs as long as they made a conscious efforts to heal their issues and overcome their addiction. If they explain it tactfully, and are open about it I don't see the problem.
It's part of your life and experience but it doesn't have to define all that you are, there is probably a lot to love about you.
There's a guy on ytube, his channel is called Struthless, he makes videos about life advice, tips. He did mentioned he had a past of addiction and trauma, but he's also in a relationship, married, have goals with his wife to have a kid ect.and just seems like he's a very likeable guy, like I would like to befriend him if I knew him.
Just to show you that YES it is possible.
So don't be discouraged.
Oh yes and trust in a relationship is key! I certainly wouldn't marry someone I can't trust lol **
So, au contraire, If you tell your partner you used to do do heroin, I think it's a sign of trust.
Maybe don't mention it TOO casually like it's nothing, and it would be too surprising lol
And anyway if they really can't accept it for whatever reason, it's their choice, every one has their own dealbreakers, as heartbreaking it might be at least you would have been honest. It's best to be with someone who accepts you as you are.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful responses @beenina! Yeah that was the thing — I appreciated him telling me, but it was only after I asked directly and then he said something to the effect of, "what, you don't know anyone who's done that?"
The truth is that it was only a third date and I already felt rushed and anxious, so this detail was just a concrete thing that made it hard to continue. There was already a "vibe" that wasn't working for me (I've decided to start saying "vibe" in earnest lol).
Re: toxic people, yeah sorta. It's a looong story but basically, the boyfriends I had in my twenties ranged from silly to outlandishly malevolent. My last serious boyfriend wasn't a bad person, just a bad boyfriend. I have a lot of conflicting feelings about him because while he helped show me I could trust men again, he also became surly and passive aggressive after I raised that I felt hurt by his dismissal of my clearly stated family goals, which was a shock, because I thought he had more character than that. So now coming to terms with that betrayal has been making me doubt my judgment again 🙃 I'm also just hurt and sad it's making it hard to concentrate on the things that used to distract me.
@thisllpass I am sorry you are struggling, but at least it sounds like you know you want and feel ready to get married. I think this involves being upfront in dating that you're looking for a serious relationship and find those in the same place (and don't use tinder haha). Since it is a serious relationship, it's not something that happens immediately, but usually involves finding somebody looking for something serious, getting to know them over a few years, taking steps like moving in together or meeting their family, and eventually mutually decided to build a future together. Good luck! I know you will find it eventually if you keep taking positive steps. :)
