How much distance is too much?
My partner and I have been learning to set boundaries for one another since this is both of ours' first real healthy relationship. I've noticed myself becoming less dependent on him which definitely has helped my anxiety but because of this, I've become more independent. It's not a bad thing, in my opinion, to not lose yourself in a relationship but the more I learn to be independent from him, the more I feel like a relationship isn't important. I'm struggling now on whether to stay with him or not and I feel like it's because we've given ourselves too much distance to be ourselves. So I'm curious as to what is considered the right amount of distance?
@helloMoon7974
I'm so very glad that you shared about this. I am struggling with boundaries also. My lover has recently told me that "I just don't always have the capacity to be and do everything, and I have come to realise it's not good for me to always try to do so." and I'm recognising that if I bring all my problems to her, and she has more limited time now (because of her son starting school) that we don't have time to enjoy. So, I'm trying to learn to diversify my support circle. Looking for support here has been helping.
Related to your situation, I'm finding that with a little more distance, I am all the more joyful for each time that we can have together, and it has helped me deepen my trust and showed me how deeply I love her. So, this … can work, I think (although it's all very new to me, and was extremely scary to me in the beginning … I was crying for many days straight). In your situation, I'm not hearing the positive experiences that I have been having. One thing I've been learning about boundaries (which have seemed like such a foreign concept to me - I have been living and loving without them for 51 years, why do I need them now?) is that they are your choice. So, if you're not thriving with this new independence (which is exactly what my lover wants for us), then please talk to your partner. I had a big breakthrough talk with my lover about it, and cried more than ever before, and was as open as possible about my deepest fears, and she was soo beautifully reassuring that I feel strength in the independence now.
I hope I'm not making this too much about me, it's just very close to my recent experiences, and I want to say that it can be good, but I don't promise you that it always is. It is about how you and your partner work together. I was talking to a listener here with professional experiences, and I said "I read that a healthy relationship needs boundaries, but I've never had them. Do I need to learn?" And they said "it's up to you", and that was so freeing.
So, it's up to you. I hope I didn't write too much to a short question. Sorry if I'm letting my recent experiences out all over your simple inquiry. I'm glad you're here, and thank you so much for sharing.
@mathetmess Thank you for taking the time to reply to my thread, I appreciate it. In a way, you are correct that time is generally supposed to make the heart more fonder and it seems to be working for you which is great to hear. After reading your message though, I got to thinking and I've come to a realization that I haven't been true to myself during my time away from my partner. Instead I just threw myself into busy work. Which in turn, makes me stray away from who I am. Because of this, I've found myself being someone else around them and that isn't healthy for me. I think it's important not to lose oneself in a relationship so because of your experience, I've come to a conclusion that I need to better utilize my time away from him to do the things that make me happy and feel more full. Otherwise, I'm not really being as independent as I had believed myself to be which will cause this emptiness that I am feeling
@helloMoon7974
Hello Hello Moon,
That sounds great and thoughtful. And I am so relieved that my sharing wasn't diverting, but appears to have been useful. I believe in you and your new directions.
@helloMoon7974,
thanks for sharing, your post is short yet profound. I don't feel like you can give each other too much distance. You can become distant though. It's great to become aware, to be your true self, as that seems what is happening (becoming more independent).
In a way it means that you are in a healthy relationship. By healthy I mean that you don't seem to have a "need" to fill in gaps through a relationship. Did you discuss this with your partner? As in, telling what you found out and ask how your partner has experienced the result of setting boundaries so far. It is not by definition so that your relationship has been impacted in a negative way. In a healthy relationship you should have the space you need, withing asking and without any arguments. Good luck and take care!
@dukeofdearham Thank you for responding to my thread, I appreciate the time you took to reply. I have discussed with my partner how they felt with the distance. The whole reason we started to do this was because he wasn't familiar with the idea of constantly being in communication or constantly seeing one another. However, once we set this boundary that he didn't necessarily needed to reply to me constantly nor have to spend all of his free time with me, he's become happier. I have told him that I feel less dependent on him and that is freeing for my anxiety and he seems happy about that. After a lot of reflection on this post, I've come to a realization that although I have found independence in my relationship, I haven't been utilizing it for me but rather for him. The idea of losing myself makes me run away since that is my natural response. I know that isn't healthy for either of us and so before I talk to him about this, I would like to try to explore more of myself and come into touch with who I am first so that I am not jumping the gun. This is something I've been practicing so that I don't act on my emotions so suddenly
