I don’t know what to do...

Well, where do I start?

My current situation: Relationship of 4 years with 2 kids is failing.

Recently, she has been doing some questionable things like phone guarding even more than she already was and allowing an ex to have their private nickname “Bestest Boyfriend Ever”. After learning of that, I brought it to her attention that it’s not appropriate and I didn’t appreciate it. She decided to have him block me on that social media, privatized her friends list and her relationship status is hidden. Maybe two weeks later, he gives her a store gift card for $150 and labeled it To: Princess. She said that it was a birthday/graduation gift. About a week ago, she went out for a “girls night” and it went horribly wrong. It turned out that couples were going and I wasn’t invited. I dropped her off so we wouldn’t have to pick up the van later or worry about it. When I went to pick her up, she left with some friends and a couple guys. I had tried to be patient and level headed. I called her and met her at her friends house to take her home. She said she was only staying there for a couple hours before coming home. We went home and I helped her out of the car and through her bedtime routine because she drank way too much. After getting her into bed, I found her name and number on a napkin. She said it was a joke with her friends. The next day I found another one as I was clearing pockets to put clothes in the wash. I never confronted her about that one. I think it’s the phone guarding and her work schedule changing dramatically (from 32 hours a week to 40 hours in 2 days alone) that bothers me the most. At this point I’m just heartbroken and nearing an existential crisis.

Since then, we had a conversation and somehow our issue has nothing to do with her recent behavior, but shifted to things I failed to do in our relationship 3 years ago when our first child was born. For the sake of transparency, I was an alcoholic. I’m actually a little over a year sober now, on my own volition and despite her attempts early on to sabotage... she seems to feel that she’s done nothing wrong, this is all damage that I have caused, I have to trust her without question, and we will see how it goes but, “Rome wasn’t built overnight”.

I’m utterly distraught, wrought with heartache, over analyzing every minute detail, and am living in a constant state of fear/panic.

What am I to do? If all hope of fixing things relies on my ability to buckle down and let time pass, how can I possibly get the distrust and anxiety out of my head so I can do so? She’s my person...