Importance of Hope

NO COMMENTS PLEASE. This is for me only.

I continue to have hope that you will talk to me again. I believe you still love me. How could you not? We were both very surprised by how much we felt/feel for each other. That doesn’t just go away.

I know that you sabotaged the relationship on purpose. It didn’t work, because I was too understanding. So the only thing left you could do in your eyes was ghost me. You continue to fear your true emotions, your deep feelings. Because everyone, I think, told you it would never work—that long distance never works. You listened to them, but you didn’t think this before—you did it because you were afraid. So you found someone convenient. She isn’t me. And that scares you even more, to be in love with me and still have feelings for her. It scares you that I’ve found out. It frightens you to think of talking to me; you become paralyzed. You want so badly to sweep me under the rug. And you’ve tried. Tried hard. But I’m still with you. You never broke up with me, you never said anything like that to me, and you needed a mental health break. But now, here we are, and you’re running from something else that isn’t me anymore. If you called me, I would forgive you. Point blank. You think I wouldn’t forgive you and I don’t know why. You think I deserve better than you, and that’s an awful thing to think of yourself. I see potential in you and so much more than you see. I don’t believe in being mean. I don’t want you to think I’d be mean to you. Yeah, you cheated. It was awful for me. But big picture? We are long distance and it’s hard. If you actually gave any decent apology and meant every word...and I know you’re sorry...then I would say alright, let’s move on.

I get this feeling that you’re using her to forget about me, and that’s not okay. I don’t think she even knew about me. I feel terrible for her. And you.

I've taken this time to myself, to heal my codependency issues, to understand my fears and wants. I’m much more comfortable with being alone, even more so than before I met you. So, no, I don’t need you. But I want you in my life. You bring me joy.

What k*lls me is that I know you feel the same about me. You just keep waiting, overthinking, waiting and waiting. But we miss each other.

I am willing to wait because it’s the only option I have. I am not holding my breath, but I’m okay here. I have plans. Those plans could involve you. But that’s only if you get some courage and talk to me.

I know you’re afraid. But would you rather live with this forever? You left me without word.

I have hope. I have faith.

PLEASE AGAIN NO COMMENTS. I know some might want to tell me their thoughts on cheating but I really don’t care. I’m an adult and these are my decisions.