It’s been almost 10 years

I don’t understand why I’m not enough for him. He continues to cheat, but tells me it’s my fault because I drink. But then pressures me into drinking. And he always tells me how I embarrass him and that he is going to leave me while I’m sleeping one night, like he has before. I just feel like I am doing something wrong all the time. And when I catch him texting other women he swears it’s just meaningless sex and that I am the only one he loves. And in a moment of weakness last time, I told him it was fine to see other girls as long as I don’t know about it. But honestly I’m breaking inside. Some days I don’t even want to wake up anymore...I hurt so much. But I love him and don’t know what I would do without him....