Marriage Questioning
I'm hoping to hear from someone who has been in a marriage a long time. My stage of life and relationship is so far removed from dating...I can't even imagine being with another person or even wanting to be (lol, kind of). What I really want from marriage is a partnership that produces a loving growth environment for our kids. I want spiritual and emotional stability, damn it.
We've been married 20 years. It has been hard since the first day. When we met we could both pass for achievers, or had SOMEthing that passed for maturity (at least by somebody's standards, because I often heard how "smart" we were) but emotionally we were each big fat babies. In this sense we were "made for each other," and we've spent the past 20 years "refining" each other by emotionally knocking the corners off each others' egos. We have both acknowledged, along the way, that we are pretty much jerks, and there's probably no one else out there that would have put up with either of us this long. The bigger problem, beside us frequently making each other miserable, is that our kids have to live with us. And, lately, I've realized that I've developed a "go-to" response to my husband's jerkier outbursts,and it is depressed ideation. I feel trapped, paralyzed, and am just a big downer after he decides to be irrationally and "unexpectedly" difficult. My days of wallowing in despair end up affecting my kids of course. I didn't want to get divorced. He and I are both the products of messed up marriages, and like a lot of people we wanted to do better than our parents did.
I'm here, though, at this site, because I feel paralyzed. I would love to hear some wisdom and encouragement.
@givingitashot Edit: (I'm replying to my own post because I don't know how to edit the original.)
I walked away from my post and realized that I think I wanted to ask this: does anyone have advice for experimenting with separation in a way that will be kinder, less traumatic for kids, and for ourselves, frankly. I want my husband and I both to try being apart, but we can't afford living in separate houses right now. And we ultimately do have to work together to support the kids during this zooming apocalypse. (We have some learning challenges over here....) If anyone can recommend an author or an article, or share a success story, or a cautionary tale, I'd be grateful.
Google something like “living together while separated”, it will generate a lot of good advice. But I have not separated so I don’t know what it would really be like. And I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I’ve been with my husband almost 16 years and realized early (even while dating) that he was super boring and we would probably just be watching tv together the rest of our lives—and that’s exactly what we do. I’m probably going to separate from him in the summer and see if I’m sure I want a divorce. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s never too late to start over.
@cajen83
Thank you for writing back. Yes, I will look that up. Ugh. It is hard to do anything useful when depressed. I feel like I need to lose 20 pounds, and get another job, and solve my kids' issues, just so I'll have the optimism and inspiration, to get the energy, to begin thinking constructively (and not just fantasizing) about separating. (sigh)
Thinking of your situation, though...even though your husband is boring, he must have had something that appealed to you. Was it emotional evenness or stability, by chance? (Someone I know, when rebounding, settled on a person who is the opposite of a drama queen. She is not exciting, but she also doesn't turn every holiday into a catastrophe.)
Try making yourself a priority so you can feel better.( Get a massage, get nails done etc.) Pro Therapy can make a big difference for couples or for yourself. Don't give up on your 20 year investment. I've been married 36 years with 2 kids grown and it's normal to have ups and downs especially with kids in the pic. Give yourselves credit for making it this far.
@amiableBlackberry92 Thank you for that encouragement. I just don't know if it is healthy to have had as many downs as we have had. I think he and I have stuck it out in part because, at some level, we have (mostly) had modest expectations of each other. (I've never, in a relationship, been treated like a princess. He's never been idolized. We didn't get to entertain those kind of expectations in our marriage.) The thing is that, lately, I feel low-down, want to never move, depressed, at his sporadic verbal meanness. He can be funny. And then he can, maybe at the start of a normal or special day, just be an ass. It affects everyone. The kids and I both are jerkier afterwards, and their grades literally go down that day, and I'm ineffective at home. He works very hard at his high pressure job, and he's very good at what he does. After 20 years, though, I feel like I don't have the internal strength needed to live with this guy, or to teach my kids how to roll their eyes and stay out of his way.
Yes. He was emotionally and financially stable. We were both members of the same church (the biggest factor why we married each other). He was handsome. These things are all still true. I just never realized how important marrying someone with a zest for life was to me! And I have never lived him enough, he’s always loved me more.
Yes I understand, it's rough living in a real negative environment. I grew up in the worst....Start with taking care of you!! You are the #1 important mom. Make a list, yes write it down. Start with I want this...or I want to change this.. .I am a beautiful person and I need...... Then start putting a check mark next to each one you complete or attempt to complete. Your energy is so important to accomplish a happy life. Don't give up on you and what you need/want .
