Mental health or my relationship?

TW

It’s alot to read, I know.

My partner (noah) and I met almost 10 months ago and after one month of being together I decided i needed a fresh start in a different state, and he offered to come with me! We moved 15 hours away from home into my moms house temporarily until we were able to get financially stable enough for an apartment together.

Problem is, its been 8 months and we haven’t hit a point where we are able to comfortably move out.

We struggled to find well paying jobs and when I did find a job a law was signed that essentially meant I had to be laid off due to my age. He eventually got onto the site where my mom works and now works mon-fri 6 am-5 pm and juggles school for coding as well as car flipping so needless to say he is busy! I however after getting laid off and trying streaming/baking for cash wasn’t feeling well and visited my obgyn doctor and they found a tumor in my breast, I had my surgery last week and am in recovery as we speak, my birthday also comes up end of September and my boyfriend/mom/her boyfriend are all taking a trip to celebrate!

So far it all sounds mostly good, so heres where the problems lie:

My mom has been my biggest stressor and issue in life since my parents messy, long and drawn out divorce from ages 4-17. She belittles me, pokes at me, and is very controlling and demanding, she has recently become an alcoholic as well, and regularly has domestic fights with her boyfriend.

Her and I have never really formed a bond throughout the years despite counseling and years of effort on my part, and we argue incessantly.

Noah guides me to bite my tongue and hold back, but occasionally i slip up and feed into it, but i really can only take so much.

In whole:

I feel we have overstayed our welcome in the house and I’m assuming she will ask us to move out soon. Because I am unemployed, down from surgery and unable to land a job that will let me take off in September I am not in a good enough financial spot to move out anytime soon so this stresses me. Noah is beyond stressed with work, school, and car flipping and the time we spend together is limited to eating together after he gets off work and laying back to back 15-20 minutes before he falls asleep; i feel our chemistry and connection is lacking and he has expressed to me that he feels i am not contributing financially or in any way to our betterment in this situation and feels we are no longer a team. Additionally when i finally lose it with my mom every once in a while and go to him to seek comfort he scolds me and tells me essentially i know better and am not trying at all to avoid conflict (which i know in my mind and heart is untrue) i feel he lacks compassion for me in this situation and rarely gives comfort and sympathy where needed. His lack of emotion is a constant battle in our relationship as i am very emotional. (If you couldnt tell lol)

Now I understand he is stressed and feels im not contributing, there are situations where I feel i do lack to help like making dinners or streaming (twitch gaming) for income, but i have expressed i am struggling in my mental health and can barely get out of bed or even wash my hair or do my makeup. I too am stressed but my go to is to shut down.

At this particular point I am finding myself detaching from him and often when he speaks to me I unintentionally zone out or lose interest easily. It’s becoming difficult to engage with him, and the other night I told him I am struggling mentally severely, I have not told him I am feeling worthless or considering (TW) suicide, and although i know i never will I have thought about it often this past month.

The other night i got into it with mom and he scolded me, and because i was already at heightened sensitivity i cried and left for a drive, we did not speak when i came home and we went to bed without a word, the next day is when he confessed he feels we are not a team and etc, it is also when i informed him i am struggling to take care of myself so I understand i have been a burden but to have patience and try to understand. When we spoke that night after he got home he said he believes its a right person wrong time situation but believes there is no reason we cant get through the wrong time together, and states he can already see the light at the end of the tunnel and our struggles are temporary. He is rarely reassuring so that was nice.

But tonight he said I again was not engaging in conversation and not listening after he took time to listen to me, i feel bad and know i need to take steps to mend our relationship and contribute to us, but how do I make sure I’m taking care of me too?