Partner and his female friends
We've been together for 18 months and live together. I'm just getting a little fed up about his female contacts. The first one crept into my life at the start of the relationship, he did not tell me who was pinging his phone until I saw messages and asked him who was this woman messaging him. I was told she was just a friend from social dancing and not to worry about her. Not easy when they messaged often and he shared his day to day life with her as he was bored during lockdown. A month after another woman's name appeared and she was again another friend who he also met whilst social dancing and known her for years and she is married albeit not so happily. I told him that it made me feel uncomfortable when he chatted to them especially under my roof at the time and I had not been introduced to them, in fact he messaged as if he was single. He said he would introduce me but I'm still waiting, although they are now aware of me but make no reference to me or our relationship. 3 months later another social dancer lady emailed him to make contact, he did tell me about her. And she actually acknowledged me which was good on her part. And then yesterday I see a name on his what's app chat whilst he's showing me a message from a mutual friend, from someone I don't know and there was a chat between them. I have put 2 and 2 together and know she's an ex. They have not talked for over a year and I'm perplexed as to why he made contact with her yesterday.... The context of the message was about saying he 'was hoping she would be going back to dancing so he could see her lovely smile in the photos the group post up on social media. ' she lives 200 miles away. But he also said 'it was a shame that he was not there to ease her back into dancing'. He has not told her he's in a relationship but happy to tell her about his new home and his retirement life. Quite frankly, I'm not sure what he wants... Lots of women to chst with behind my back and dance with (I dance too) or to nurture a relationship with one. It's so disrespectful and hurtful. I do feel I'm not enough, compare myself constantly and feel I've been just convenient over lockdown. We are both 50 ish so old enough to know better. How many more women will appear! I'm worth more than this!
Hello Tiger. From what you have shared, it does sound confusing as to why he's not mentioning being in a relationship with you while talking to these women. I can understand your concern for him being more interested in these women and not you. I'm sorry about all of this happening you don't feel like you are enough, but you are and you are worth more than that. Does he know how all of this is affecting you? Have you two talked about this in detail?
@intelligentTiger5312,
thanks for sharing, it takes courage to do so.
Reading your post, it brings back memories of my wife having an emotional affair. It feels like, for some reason, he has some sort of "need" to connect with others the way he does.
I would be deeply concerned. Normally when people act like this, it is because for them, something might be lacking in their current relationship.
Have you expressed your concerns, your feelings, without judging, blaming? Have you invited him to share his feelings, what is behind his (unacceptable) behavior?
As his behavior is unacceptable and if he is not willing to understand where you are coming from, or bluntly denies any wrongdoing, then I'd ask myself if you deserve to be treated like that. Either they are out, or you are out.
Thank you both for your comments and support. So, I took the bull by the horns and asked him directly who she was, surprisingly he was happy to tell me and when I told him I saw her name he instantly offered to show me the messages. I took that as a positive but I did explain to him that the content came across as being a bit familiar and too close with her and that made me feel quite disrespected. He was defensive and tried to explain why he messaged her due to seeing a Facebook post of a dance event which made him think of her and that they had not exchanged messages for over a year. I did say why after a year did you feel you needed to contact her and say those things to her.... He said she had been unwell and he felt she needed a confidence boost and to make her feel happy.... I thought that's not your job and how about making me happy and confident in our relationship! I got upset told him how it made me feel and that our relationship was being disrespected by adding these 'female friends' into the mix. I then backed off him emotionally for a few days deciding what I was going to do and if things did not improve I would go and stay with my mum for a few days. However, after 3 days of cold shoulder, he made the first move and gave me a spontaneous hug, did not say sorry but i knew that was his way of conveying it and he's been lovely ever since. He's deleted the ex girlfriend off his phone and so far not chatted online or interacted with any female friends. So, if paid off to be brave and say my feelings.
