Relationship falling apart post knee surgery

I’m going to try and be as neutral as possible, but this will probably be very long. Anyone who bothers to read it, give an honest assessment, and provide feedback I just want to say I truly appreciate it. I’m emotionally being held together by scotch tape right now.

Some background information, I have been with my partner about a year now. She had a rough year with some of her personal relationships and living situation, and has some clear characterization of depression (excessive drinking, sleeping a lot more than the average person, etc.). During that time, I did my very best to be there for her and take care of her emotional and physical needs. Heading into surgery, we were in a very good spot, very loving, talking about marriage, our future, etc.

08/04 I had surgery. I was excited to spend time with her in her new apartment. She put the living room together for me and really neglected the rest of the house so that I would be okay and I appreciated it so much. Post surgery I did my best to not like be a burden on her, I really just asked her to cook and help me shower cause I couldn’t do those things on my own. I was also heavily medicating myself with opioids because the pain was really bad. Turns out the nurses fucked up my crutches as well as my knee brace, so I was in a lot of unnecessary pain. She was supportive through it all, just hesitant about the opioids and addiction.

Fast forward about a week, we had a discussion during that first week cause I kind of wasn’t giving her attention. Again, I was trying to not be a burden, but I totally understand where she’s coming from. I wasn’t asking her to hang out or spend time with me, I was very much sulking in my pain and kind of just sedated from the opioids. I get it, I was forcing everything on her. 08/11 was one of the worst days in terms of pain because it was a really really tough day of PT and I ran out of opioids. I laid in the dark most of the night just kind of sulking and trying to dismiss the pain. Around midnight I turned on the PS5 cause I just couldn’t take it anymore and she got upset that instead of asking her to watch a movie or something, I fired up the PS5. She kicked me out and my sister had to come pick me up.

She picked me up a few days later and I really tried to put effort into holding up my end of the relationship. I made sure we spent more time together watching TV and just being in each other’s company. I felt like we were in an okay place at that time, and she dropped me back off at home on Thursday and said she would see me next Friday. This really really upset me because it seemed strange to me she was fine with not seeing me for 8 days. If she had gone through surgery, there’s no way in hell I would ever go 8 days without seeing her. We fought a lot about that the entire week and just couldn’t see eye to eye. We’re very different in that aspect I guess, and just have different expectations. Mind you, during this time, I got a DM from an account insinuating she was fucking her ex who I know she is still in contact with. I chose to believe her, but by this time my mental state is just completely shattered. I was essentially begging her for affection and reassurance and to be there for me. I was told I was being overbearing.

I drove to her apartment that Friday (08/26) and I really committed to just trying to have a good night, weekend, and get back on track. She wasn’t really happy to see me and I could tell there was just tension in the air and I fought off the urge to breakdown. We went to dinner and by the end of it it felt good. We were okay. Not perfect, we have a lot to rebuild obviously, but better. We ended up grabbing drinks and during this time she made a comment that she wouldn’t care if we went to a strip club and girls were all over me and kind of insinuated like she wouldn’t care what I did as long as it was in front of her. She may have meant just grabbing and dancing or whatever, but I took it as essentially she wouldn’t care if I cheated as long as it was in front of her so I excused myself to the bathroom cause I was very upset. I didn’t attack her or anything, but she knew I was upset and the whole mood just changed. We left and when we got in the car she kind of started to probe and I broke down just saying I don’t think that’s okay, it hurts that she would be okay with that, that’s not love to me.

I’m incredibly emotional right now with all the trauma, and so I broke down crying while trying to explain that type of language just isn’t okay to me. She then said “I don’t know what to do with you, men don’t cry. Ex 1 used to tell me I’m a baby and ex 2 just got up and walked away.” Now there was a breakdown in communication here I guess because I took it as I’m not a man because I chose to cry from being frustrated rather than lash out physically or shut down and remove myself, so I said maybe I’ll try one of those next time. She has trauma with both exs and absolutely exploded on me, like throwing McDonald’s in the car and just screaming at me that I’m a piece of shit for that. I’ve never done anything to insult her like that, so I was really confused because I guess I just took it quite literally and she was trying to talk about her trauma. She eventually apologized and we talked about working on our communication.

She had work the next night and I had texted her like when you come home (4 am) just can we cuddle for like 5 minutes? I just need the intimacy, I need the affection. She came home and put a blanket on me, went to shower, and kissed me on the forehead goodnight assuming I was asleep. I texted her that I was upset and didn’t want to fight because it was 4 am, but I just wanted to cuddle. 1000% she called me on my bullshit and said not to text that and to talk to her directly about stuff like that. I’m wrong there, ate it, and just tried to learn from it. I should’ve went to the bedroom and spoke to her but at this point it feels like I’m begging my partner to deliver on basic things and I’m just feeling pathetic.

Next day she went to a concert. We weren’t okay, but I decided to drive her and her best friend in and I’d pick them up later. She texted me she wished I was there and it just meant the world to me. I left to pick them up and mind you it’s in a city I am not familiar with, so I’m using the GPS to find her. She’s calling me every 2-3 minutes and so I finally said every time you call it’s messing up the GPS and I’m in the city and I don’t know where I am. She screamed “OKAY [my name]!” And hung up. Her best friend called me and guided me

To them. I eventually got them and took them home. We talked about what happened and I explained that I never yelled, snapped, or did anything of the towards her over the phone and she eventually backed down and apologized. We laid in bed for a bit and it felt okay, we watched the videos she took, I made her a sandwich, and got her advil so she’d be okay in the morning.

The next morning I woke up and she wasn’t there. She went to the couch, so obviously I panic because my mental state is held by string at this point. She said it got hot and I was like oh okay, can you just lay with me for a bit? So she got in bed and just kind of was on her phone on her back not really engaged with me at all. I told her that annoyed me and she put the phone down and just laid there motionless/silent on her back so I said if she didn’t want to be there she didn’t have to be it felt like pity. She went to the couch immediately.

I gave it some time and went to the couch and told her everything that was bothering me. I just want to feel loved, wanted, and she wasn’t providing that. I just wanted to cuddle for like 5 minutes which is something she has regularly asked of me and I do my best to be there for her. I also told her when she turns off her location, or her read receipts, or unpins me from her iMessage it’s just really childish and infuriating. I gave it a few minutes, no response. I went to the kitchen and made my greens/reds, came back. Still nothing. I went to the room and started to have a panic attack and packed up and told her I was leaving. She just opened the door and walked me out and by this time I’m completely broken down crying, just feeling completely alone and neglected. She kind of laughed at me and said I need to go to therapy.

She has since said she’s drained and she’ll talk to me when she chooses. She’s sick of my behavior and dramatics, according to her, and she can’t do it anymore.

It’s very possible I am being overly emotional and needy, I just expected her to be there more after major reconstructive knee surgery. I won’t be back to normal for over a year due to this surgery, and I’m really just asking for things she’s asked of me - quality time and intimacy.

To me these are the bare minimum in a relationship. I contacted a therapist today because it is clear my mental state is not well, but I’d still appreciate any insight.

Thank you.