Relationships, PMDD, & Grief

This week has been tough. In fact this whole month. I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months. During the middle, we were long-distance for 4 months due to the pandemic canceling school. We built a strong connection over it tho, FaceTiming and texting, getting to know each other on a deeper level. It was a very strong and unbreakable bond we had. During those four months, I had a period of 173 days. (Don’t worry, I went to a doctor and it was okay). But during that time, I now know that I started experiencing symptoms of PMDD before my regular cycle would have been. During the exact same days of those months, I had times where I felt mood swings, insecure, very clingy. I didn’t know it was PMDD at the time but I felt crazy. I would create arguments with him over the smallest things or be upset and I would feel guilty afterwards but we still got through it. We always came back and didn’t let each other go to bed upset, or feeling unloved. When we reunited when school started back up again, the long period went away but the PMDD wouldn’t stop. From August to November, at the exact same time of month a week before my period, I would have a breakdown or start an argument. I didn’t want to. But it happened. Fits of crying, being overwhelmed, depressed, and not feeling loved. But we still got through it. And as soon as a period would happen, I would have my self esteem and confidence back and our relationship would thrive. But, in December, we had to go home for winter break. My period started again for 44 straight days. During this time, the start of the month with my boyfriend was very loving, supportive, and we missed each other a lot but, about halfway through the month, the symptoms came on and felt worse. Stronger depression, mood swings, etc. and to top it all off, 3 of my family members had passed away. I was sinking. Keep in mind I was not aware of PMDD or the pattern of days I would feel upset. But in the middle of the month, it struck again. To the point where I was upset at my boyfriend which led to me spam calling him (a lot of PMDD girls do this I’ve learned) and it turned bad. He said he wanted to break up with me and block my number if I called him again. We still kept in communication on FaceTime but for about 3 days, it was so tough for me and on the third day, I told him I accepted it and wouldn’t ask for him back. And then, things went back to normal. He was saying I love you, sending me relationship tiktoks, FaceTiming all the time through Christmas and I was confused. A couple days after Christmas, I had to go through the trauma of losing another loved one. I found it very hard to deal with and I once again, spammed him. I didn’t know what else to do. And though we didn’t break up, the day after way tough. And we were happy again, being each other’s New Years kiss on FaceTime and what not. And then, a couple days after, I posted cupcakes he ordered me on my Snapchat, he demanded I delete it, and said “I broke up with you”. And the situation resolved once again. A week after New Years, he was going to come back. I brought up that I would pick him up from the airport like we planned in the past but he demanded not to. Bringing up once again that he broke up with me. This cycle didn’t feel like a break up. It made me confused. One minute he says he loves me, the next.. idk. When he did get back, I also returned to campus. And when we were in person, it felt like where we left off before December. Loving, safe, fun. He would comfort me when I was upset. I gave him a box off 200 things I love about him, a book with date ideas we wanted to do, a bunch of other thoughtful, useful gifts I got before winter break because before he left, he said he felt unappreciated and I wanted him to feel the best. During these two weeks that he was back, I felt amazing. I felt strong in our relationship, and we were doing fun things, eating good food, and he was there for me when I would wake up with a night terror and take care of me. Anyways, things were good when we were in person, we even planned a trip for our 10 month anniversary, up until last week. I started having symptoms again, I called him saying I was upset. What I didn’t tell him was what had made me upset. Last week, my cousin passed away too. And I thought it was my breaking point. My boyfriend and I had planned to hang out the day after, but it never came. The morning after my cousin passed, he broke up with me over text/ FaceTime, saying it was time to move on permanently. I hadn’t even told him of my loss. And then that is when I discovered a deeper breaking point. That night, I couldn’t handle being alone in an apartment, far from family and friends. So I checked myself into a crisis clinic. And it was the hardest thing being there but so helpful. But the day after, I was dropped off at his place, to get some groceries, and we talked. And it was hard. And he said maybe, maybe when all of this is over, there still would be a chance and he still loved me. And I didn’t know how to take that. I reached out to counseling the next day and I wanted help for grief of my family. But from 6 counselors I talked to, they have bunched my grief in with the break up as well, and I’m not really looking for that at the moment. I want to grieve my losses and heal before I even think about relationships. They all have been focusing their time on the relationship sending me relationship tips and articles like “loving someone with depression” for me to send him and saying “It’s not going to make the process any easier or shorter to not focus on your losses or him at the same time“ and to keep communicating with him. And it’s rough. A part of me feel like I’m being given false hope, but another part of me really wants it to work out. Since the breakup, me and him have still been in some contact, just me telling him about therapy. And it makes me confused. I’m grieving still. And just three days ago, my nurse randomly contacted me about possible PMDD from looking at my period charts. And from then on, it kinda makes sense. The emotions I was feeling in the past in the same days, the physical and mental pain in those days. I felt enlightened. Knowing I could chart when I would feel symptoms in the future, it felt like a relief. Up until today, and the realizations and questions came back. We are broken up, what if I knew I had PMDD in the past and could’ve prevented this, what if we weren’t broken up. It has been a rough night having those questions still float around. I’m being sent articles from my counselors to send to him about “PMDD and how to support your partner”. Like they still see a chance. But I don’t know. Knowing I have PMDD, I think to myself, oh if we are back, I’ll know what to do next time I feel a certain type of wash. But I don’t know if it will happen or work. I still have some hope, but I don’t know if it’s worth trying for. I just wish I could go back in time, before December.