Struggling how to give time and space to my one true love, after he choose a future with me...

Hi all, 

My story is a rather long one, so I hope you'll bear with me while I try to write a short but complete version of it... Reason for reaching out here is that I'm a bit 'lost' in what is the best way for me to handle the situation I find myself in currenlty. Especially what's smart for me to do and what isn't... 

20 years ago I was in a great relationship. I was very happy, but also very young and without much experience in life and relationships. I was terrible at communication and thus I began doubting things in the relationship without talking about it with my boyfriend. One thing lead to another and I made the worst mistake in my life... I broke up with him. About a year later I realized this and talked to him about my mistake and asked him to give me another chance. Unfortunately ha already met someone new by then and (of course) was immensely sad about our break-up and didn't have any faith in me anymore...

I was a mess hearing that news then... It took me about two years to recover enough to enjoy life again and connect with someone new. Though I kept missing him... And I have been searching for the same connection and the same kind of love for the next 20 years, but never found those again... Have been in 4 serious relationships after that, that were okay, but no fireworks. Did become a mum and directed my love mainly at my daughter after realizing that 'true love' with a partner would not happen again... At least that's what I thought.

I'm 46 years old now and last year December I had to check something for work and contacted a company about some information that got lost. My contact didn't reply, so I searched for other people that could help me out and guess who replied after only 5 minutes... It was my ex of 20 years... That was quite bizarre. Of course I enquired how he was and I learned that he was in the middle of a divorce... But at that time I was living together with a sweet man and we had a family together with my daughter and his. And though it was not true love or anything like that I was quite happy with that family. So I was very careful in our contact, because I realized immediately that the feelings were still there... very very strongly.

I soon learned that he also still had a lot of feelings and wanted to meet up with me to explore those. His divorce would soon be registered officially and his ex-wife was looking for a new home and would move out. Of course I was not ready to just leap into this, with my family and such.

I held off a real live meet for then, but we did start to exchange messages and soon found that our feelings were very strong still. Finally he convinced me to meet up and when we saw eachother live we were blown away. First kiss happened very quickly and we walked hand-in-hand feeling overwhelmed and rather confused but very happy.

He told me that his wife initiated the divorce and that their marriage had been unhappy for a while, but that he was actually trying his best to save it and didn't want it to end. She however had closed every door on him, however hard he tried... No therapy or conversation had had any effect... She was adamant in her belief that a divorce was the only way. 

They have two kids together and that was a critical point of course... how the kids would react and that they had to arrange everything in a way that would be best for their kids. So we did meet up when we could, but he did not tell her anything about it yet. He wanted to wait for the official divorce registration and her new home first. We immensely enjoyed our contact and our meets together. He was even telling me that he would make space in his home for us and if I wanted him to prove how much he loved me he would definitely surprise me with a proposal in the future... We were absolutely thrilled with our new chance together!

And in the meantime I also had a major change in my life, because I had left my partner and thus my family in February, to make way for a new start together with him (the only true love of my life ever). When I made that decision it was very clear for me that there was no other choice possible. I would have chosen him, always, under any circumstances. That may sound strange to some readers, but feeling love like this, puts everything in a very clear perspective. I simply belong with him. He felt the same and told me that it felt like fate (while we are both very down to earth and don't actually believe in that kind of thing)...

Though there came a point that she found out about me. The divorce was officially registered by that time, but they were still living together. The situation became very extreme after that, because she reacted in a way that was very difficult to follow for both him and me...

She told him that she didn't mean any of it and that she only wanted to get a divorce to be able to find eachother again... So she wanted him back, she said. This was never her intention, so she claimed...

This was a shock for him and me both, because he was the one that hadn't wanted the divorce in the first place... Needless to say that doubts began to form in his mind... Not because he didn't love me, but because he still loves her too.

From that moment thing escalated beyond belief... 

At some point he felt claimed by both sides so much (my fault too of course, as afraid as I was to loose him once again... seeing our second chance at happiness go up in smoke...) that he called for a radio-silence... No contact with me and not with her either (except about the kids). So when she got her new home, this radio-silence went into effect... That might have been the worst and most confronting experience in my life uptil now. It was so extremely emotional that it actually felt like physical pain. I knew he needed that time and space to be able to determine what he wants. Of course he is the main player in his own life, so I fully understood his need for space and his own process to determine what he himself needs and wants. He made appointments at a psychologist to really start to work on it. He was torn between me and her and felt like a choice would be impossible... He did not want to hurt anyone... and he kept repeating that he did not want to loose me and not her either.

So right before that radio-silence I gave him the option to keep us both in his life. I'm very open minded and I realized that if I had to choose between loosing him or sharing him I would always choose the latter. So I told him I would be willing to be part of an open relationship with him and her if that would make him happy. He was very pleasantly surprised and liked the idea very much. So he took up the courage to ask her about this idea, but she exploded and they had a huge fight... He tried again, but received an even more explosive reaction... So he realized that there was no other option than to make an actual choice. He was devastated... I never saw him like that before and I felt powerless... no way to help him (because I was part of 'the problem' of course... I also realize that I also did things to make him feel utterly stuck between two people... Not proud of that at all :-( ).

So the radio silence went into effect... A huge nightmare... It felt like utter panic for me to be honest... No contact whatsoever. I promised him to keep my promise and leave him alone for as long as he needed it, because I love him so much. It took all I had... I did make some mistakes and contacted him a few times, just because it felt like the world ended (sounds like drama, but is actually how it felt... bizarre and hugely emotional period). 

During the last two months he started contacting me and her again, with some homework from the psychologist (list of questions and such) and learned that I was very willing to answer and do what he needed and she kept closing every door towards solutions without having to make that dreaded choice... 

The situation was almost undoable by then, because she was falling apart (no sleep, no eating, no work and heavy medication to suppress stress symptoms and emotions) and I was struggling to keep working and I was exercising obsessively to be able to keep going... But cried myself to sleep every night, or lay awake all night and couldn't concentrate at work at all... But managed to keep going, somehow and take care of my daughter of course... I asked friends and family for help and advise and they got me through the worst of it.

And he realized that the situation could not be kept like this for a very long time... So finally he made his choice. He choose for a future with me. And while I'm over the moon by his choice, I realize very clearly that he still has a long way to go... He was devastated by her reaction to this news of course and he's currently in a state or mourning and needs to go through a process to coped with what happened... So it feels very wrong for me to feel happy...

And reality is that we don't see eachother very often yet, because he needs space and time still... And I know he misses her and I know it's very painful for him to see that she is doing worse every day now... And I don't want to claim him too much and I'm struggling with contacting him... I feel like I'm 'too much' now, so I limit my messages to one or two a day and we meet about two times a week when his kids are not with him... Week when the kids are with him I sometimes see him during a lunchbreak for about half an hour once that week... So very limited.

I hope I'm doing the right thing like this... I can imagine what he's going though, but can't really help him... and he doesn;t easily accept help anyway. 

So how should I handle this? If I'm honest I notice that I'm very unsure and the situation feels very 'shaky'... This is caused by the fact that he has had so many doubts and has switched between her and me so many times... He would say that he made his choice (for me) and then tell me, a few days later that he couldn't do it... over and over again... So that make that sometimes I really need some extra reassurance that it's real this time... that he also still believes in his choice.
What does make it different this time, is that he actually told her too, (and his brother) which of course does make it a huge step. 

And I must say that in the past he always would hover between choosing me and reverting again... He never told me that he choose her (he did choose me before and tell her... but no one else... and took it back again two weeks after). Most of the time I heard him say that he could not hurt her and noticed that he was mainly taking care of her... doing everything for me. Like a pattern that he couldn't do without... He was very scared that she wouldn't be able to manage by herself...

So now I'm eager to make that new start together of course, but realize very well that I need to pull the brakes and give him time and space... And I try to talk to him about what he needs or wants and tell him that I will follow his tempo. 

But it's hard to know what to do and what I should not do yet... I'm starting to doubt myself at every step...

Main thing is I love him without end and want us to have the best second chance possible! 

I notice now that he sometimes takes steps back from me and is mourning, but doesn't really share much about that 'piece of elephant'... Should I talk about it with him or should I just follow him and simply enjoy our time together without making it too complicated? (Which is hard, because women have another 'brain' and another way of communication then men, just a simple fact...)... Last thing I want is to scare him off because he feels claimed by me or something like that... but I also want to let him know that I'm there to help... WhatsApp is a terrible way of communicating unfortunately... And I cannot call him directly in the week when his kids are with him... 

What makes it extra hard is that (of course) I also have certain things I need, but don't dare to ask right now out of fear of being 'too much' at the moment. So I put off my own needs or wants as much as I can during this difficult time for him. But I'm only human... and scared of losing him again (I need to learn to trust his choice is really real I guess).

Any advice would be great :-)

Thanks for bearing with me through this long story...