We dated for 2 years. He had anger issues and I needed attention from other guys.

Hi, so we dated from 16 to 18 years old, and usually this is when most changes happen. It was our first ever relationship and we loved each other a lot, but we had some problems. He had anger issues and I needed attention from other guys. We worked out on a lot of things and learned how to love each other, but those two issues were very hard to solve. I had to be patient with him and he managed to be a better person, in some aspects. He had to learn how to treat me, compliment me, love me and stop being controlling. In the mean time I lost myself and the fights started getting worse, with me having to constantly hear insults from him, and I started becoming like him, without realizing. I lost some feelings and got tired of him 4 months ago. He begged me to stay, wanting to become a better person and wanted a last chance. He said that me having to let go made him realize the severity of his issues.

This guy really loved me and wanted to work so much for that relationship. But I left anyways, telling him it was too stressful, and needed alone time. I just couldn’t believe he could change so easily. I cried so much but I coped with it by speaking to other guys. After 2 whole months I went out with someone and lost interest after I kept thinking about my ex.

For the past month I have been talking to my ex again. I told him everything: that I went out with a guy and had someone else to talk to while I was alone. He thinks that I lied to him and left him for someone else. But I believe it was a huge mistake, rooted in my low self-esteem and pessimism. I waited a month to hear if he wanted to try again, but he said he cannot get over what I’ve done and is afraid of being hurt again. He blamed his anger issues on all of my mistakes and said I was the problem to start with. I wanted to show him he can trust me again but the risk of getting hurt is too high for him. And we have a huge exam at the end of this school year. I hugely regret everything and I truly believe that I have changed and no longer need attention from other people. He already refused and I don’t know what else to do... How do I stop blaming myself? Was I manipulated into thinking I was wrong?