HPV

I just realized why I don't want to have sex. Why I have no sexual desire. Why I feel disconnected from sex. It's because I don't love myself. I don't think I'm pretty or sexy or even feel good about my body. How can I have a sex drive if I don't even like myself. If I don't feel good about myself. People can tell me that I'm smart beautiful, anything positive about me but I never believe it. I know where it stems from. Years of begging told that I'm not. I just don't know how to fix it. Maybe do things that make me happy that I love to do. DIY projects. Dovish my degree. Exercise eat right get in shape. I know those are things that will make me feel good about myself. Maybe then I'll feel sexy and want sex and not feel guilty about having sex because I'm not married. I don't want to continue having sex with a new person every time a relationship doesn't work out. I don't want to add another person to that list. It makes me feel dirty and sinful. I'm not a whore and I don't want to feel like one. So it makes me not want to have sex at all cuz why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. Why should I have to be pressured to have sex when I'm not married anyway. Isn't that the way things are really supposed to go anyway? All these questions no answers. Then I begin to wonder whether I'm not good enough to be married. Why have I never been married. Why don't I have a family children a husband. Is there something wrong with me or do I just not know how to pick the right person. Then I dealt with this virus over the past year HPV. Precancerous cells growing in my body. They take samples cut pieces out of you, a biopsy. They don't numb you they don't give you any pain medication. Just cut the pieces out and send you on your way. It was one of the most invasive things in the world. It hurts and you can feel the cuts and then you bleed for a day.

After the tested pieces of your insides come back positive they then freeze your vagina for about 10 minutes with nitrogen. That hurts, and for about a month you gush. Like not being able to control your bladder,so you have to wear adult diapers because pads aren't enough. Did I mention they don't numb you for this either. It feels like a brain freeze accept in your vagina. All that to be told by your significant other that you probably got it from your ex, then to be left for not wanting to have sex. That hurts too. But the real question is how do you pick up the pieces, how do you feel good about yourself again, how do you get back to wanting to have sex again? How do you become the you that you never knew but know is there?