I am a sexual dominant, known as a "dom". AMA.
Inspired by Interstate and Chandra's bravery, I thought I would like to offer you the counterpart to their AMA; the dominant, as opposed to the submissive. I am not particularly into the BDSM community, as I prefer to go lonewolf when it comes to this, but I might be able to answer some of your curious questions. AMA.
Have you ever had issues with partners because they were also doms, and if so, how did you deal with that?
I am very open-minded when it comes to most things, including sex, so if a girl I was with wanted to try out the dominant role, I could possibly allow it for the sake of her pleasure. But I believe I would have difficulty being in a relationship with a girl who was exclusively dominant. For me, it's easy to tell if a girl is dominant, submissive, or a switch. I doubt I would go for a girl who I sensed was inherently dominant.
I never realised people were open about this.... it is great you feel you can be! I have kind of always hidden it, I don't know why I am this way, I was this way before things happened etc, but I am inherently submissive, and stand no chance of ever being dominant! Do you think something made you find you liked this role, or was it instantly natural for you and something you liked?
There are many types of dominants. I am drawn towards the dom-lifestyle because I like to lead. I have always had an affinity for taking people underneath my wing, guiding them, nurturing them, and accepting them whole-heartedly.
I feel like there is something incredibly romantic about a girl's ability to surrender completely to someone she adores, be it emotionally, physically, or both. The d/s (dominant/submissive) dynamic also provides a very exciting element to a relationship. It adds a whole new factor of challenge, excitement and lust.
So to me, being a dominant is less about sexual pleasure and more about romance, commitment and trust. The amazing sexual pleasure doesn't hurt, however.
I love the way you have worded that and it makes so much sense too! I am very similar in that respect but in a different type of way. I like the fact for you the lifestyle and emotions are the big reason.
I will also add that there is a darker element to it.
I will try to make this as PG-13 as possible. I also have a thing for "training", I suppose you could call it. Training is a common aspect in the s/d dynamic. A fantasy of mine is to find an unexperienced submissive and molding her to my own preference, sexually. To the ignorant, this might sound manipulative, but this is also a very common fantasy for submissive, as the pleasure and approval of the dominant is the pleasure of the submissive. I have experienced this, and it's breathtaking when it happens.
Do you think that being a dominant is morally ok ?
Being a dominant in theory is of course morally okay. But there are many abusive dominants. Psychopaths and sociopaths will often be drawn towards BDSM, because they hunger for power and control, without the aspect of love and nurturing. What makes dominance okay is that it fills out the yin of the yang, the submissive counter-part. There is an equal amount of submissivesand dominants. It's like a big, underground party.
I know this is for Phantom but as a submissive I thought I might give my view too! So long as there is the consent and same wish of both parties, then both are getting something out of it without no pressure or being uncomfortable with it. Dominance to me is more of a role so to speak rather than an action that can force you into things etc. There are bad eggs outside of dominance too! :)
Good addition, Hannah.
Are you a "dom" only when it comes to sex, or is it more of a lifestyle? As in, would you want to be the dominant one in every aspect of a relationship, for example?
I am a quite dominant and assertive person in general. I consider myself to be a leader in most situations, and most people consider me to be that as well. It works out nicely, because most people are quite indecisive and can even be quite passive. I like leading my pack (and individuals)towards positivity.
When it comes to relationships, it greatly depends. I desire two types of relationships. One would be a relationship with a submissive, and yes, in that, I would want to be the dominant one in every aspect. The other type is a relationship based on equality, but that would require a very special type of girl.
You mention that you consider yourself a leader in many situations.
Question
Before you step into that role do you first assess the personalities and their strengths around you?
( I have realized over the years that many people havealpha problems).
Without even "stepping into the role", I always assess the personalities and strengths around me. Within the role, I take a deeper look at which people are generally able to follow, and which ones will feel the need to take charge themselves. Then I try to shape the situation towards everyone's needs. If I feel like a certain person the group will want to lead as well, I will politely consult with that person to avoid dissonance and conflict. Certain leaders will say "you can do it". But I think there's a difference in saying that, and saying "we can do it". A team works the best when everyone has their needs met.
And yes, many people do have "alpha problems". In today's society, there's also a certain obsession with "being alpha", which is just ridiculous. People who try their best to "be alpha" are very transparent and will get constantly tested by everyone around them. There's a difference between true confidence, and false confidence.
How did you get into this and how has it changed your life outside of being a dom?
It came with accepting who I am. I took a look at myself and realized that I have always had the traits, but actually practicing them can be hard for many people. We all want things, but many hold back, and try to be as respectful and timid as can be. What people do not realize, however, is that having a leader in the group is highly beneficial, and most people admire people who know what they want.
It's simply been a personal development over time. As I mentioned, I am not a part of any real community. The closest I come to that is a Tumblr blogon the subject. So I simply began accepting that I am this way. It hasmade me a happier person.
That's so amazing! I mean how have you changed aspects of your day to day life as a result of what you've learned as a dom if that makes sense!
Certainly. If I hadn't changed along in my day to day life, there would have been a strong dissonance in who I am.
What is your favourite part about embracing a dom role?
Have you ever embraced a sub role for a switch partner before? If so, did you find that being a dom made it easier for you to be a sub as you know what you would expect from them?
What advice can you give a to a dom who has a sub who likes to break rules to be punished?
What is your favorite part about embracing a dom role?
For me, it makes things easier. You wash away all the nonsense that comes with an ordinary relationship, where egos tend to collide, and instead, you make it so that the relationship has one captain, and one first mate. Captain sails the ship, and the first mate is exuberantabout being along for the journey. Now, this does not mean that I will not listen to, or respect my sub. She is a human being, just like I. But we have it as aprerequisite that I am the one to take charge. Of course, this is one of the many reasons why trust is so important in BDSM. The second favorite part would be the sex, which is more preferable to me than the sex that most people have.
Have you ever embraced a sub role?
I was in a long-term relationship with a switch once, and I allowed her to dominate me a few times. This relationship was the journey that would lead to coming to terms with my dom side, so there was a lot of sexual experimentation going on. While I did enjoy being on the other side of the spectrum, somewhat, it also felt very wrong, and did not resonate with who I am.
Of course, experience is always good, but I would not say that my time on the other side has greatly benefited my abilities as a dom.
What advice can you give to a dom who has a sub who likes to break the rules to be punished?
I'm not sure what type of advice that would be. Advice is needed when something is not ingood alignment. This, to me, sounds pretty good. A little rebellion always spices things up.
Of course, if the dom does not necessarily like it, while the sub does, then I would say that there are simply issues of compatibility between the dom and the sub.
I giggled at your answer to the last question. Being bratty gets pretty interesting when you are also a masochist. ^^
A fun combination indeed.
How do you express your dominance outside of the sexual spectrum? I mean, in a more casual, day-to-day context how would your dominance show?
I say what I want, even if it makes people uncomfortable. I mold my surroundings to how I want them. I don't wait around for things to happen; I make them happen. In general, I have a philosophy of taking what I want, as long as it doesn't harm or disrespect other people. I simply like taking charge of situations, and I stand up for myselfand others, mercilessly.
Thanks, I meant in regards to your partner. Is it a kind of deal where you always decide where you'll go out for dinner, etc. or is there some deeper aspect to it apart from the sexual?
In regards to partners, it depends. If I am in a s/d relationship, then yes, I will decide where we go for dinner, what we do, and so on. Of course, the sub is free to come with suggestions. It doesn't have to be a tyranny.
If an ordinary relationship, I would simply be who I am. That could also include taking charge in ordinary situations as well, but it wouldn't be as present as in an s/d relationship.
Thanks for posting this!
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I don't really know how to word this any better I keep trying to think how but..
Do you think past events can often create a dom or sub in someone or do you think it is a natural choice and a subconscious desire?
If it can result from past experience, do you think this makes someone less of a sub or dom and potentially reversible?
do you think everyone has some sort of predisposition to either one?
