Inadequacy
TRIGGER WARNING: SA.
I feel inadequate in the bedroom because I think I can't perform being on top positionally. I feel like I am not giving my partner everything I want to give him. (not that he has made me feel inadequate himself. He always tries to uplift me)
I think this stems from a past traumatic relationship. I was with a guy for 3 months a while before my current relationship. He got me intoxicated enough not to remember if I had consented or not. What I do know is I was on top a lot when I was with him.
Every time I try now with my partner I feel blocked. Like every bad thought runs through my mind. I'm dirty. I'm disgusting.
My partner has been incredible with supporting me with this but I feel like a failure.
@Peachy7437 It sounds like you are being pretty hard on yourself for having negative thoughts about your performance on top. I think that realizing where the negative thoughts are coming from (such as your previous nonconsensual encounters) is a good step and important, but I would encourage you to take it a step further. You didn't choose to be treated like that, and if you don't want the negative thoughts about your performance you didn't choose those either. Try to be patient with yourself as you find out what works for you, give yourself some kindness
Thank you so much @snowylovegood. I will certainly work on reminding myself I didn't choose this.
