I scare myself sometimes - I don't know what I want

This isn't easy for me to write, but I've been talking to a listener on here and I need to get my feelings out somehow, the way I normally do it definitely isn't good for me, but I have an awful relationship with sex which just confuses me so much I have no idea what I want.

I should start with I am 21 years old, I've never had a boyfriend, but I've had sex, a LOT of sex. I've never had sex without being drunk or under the influence of drugs, basically I'd go there knowing why I was going, and would usually be unconscious or barely conscious during, I needed the substances to block out everything, the memory of last time I did it, this time and the next. And there have been several occasions where "no" wasn't ever listened to.

I was first sexually active at 4 with a relative, however I consider when I lost my virginity to be when I was 16, a guy who groomed me online and then took me away with him, promising me the world, really he wanted to pimp me out and was linked to two murdered 16 year old girls too, I was lucky to escape him. You know they say everyone attracts a certain type? I attract creeps, manipulating lying creeps, guys who I meet online because my social anxiety means that I struggle to make connections in real life, people who I end up trusting and who when they ask for pictures or videos, my own mental health fights me, making me vulnerable, there's only so many times I will say no, I'm worn down already, it doesn't take much to break me. For around 10 years I have either performed sexual acts on or had sex with guys because they gave me things to get off my head to escape the world, because of my desperate desire to please - particularly online, or because I thought it was normal and they told me I would be okay... I'm not okay

I am disgusted in my own body.

But finally I am feeling like I am beginning to escape and I wanted to reclaim the one thing I thought I'd lost - my sexuality. Yet it keeps taking over, I'm still not in control. I have fantasies about being abused, they're a mixture, memories of being tied up/pinned down and shagged along with awful things my brain puts in, I think about this, I get turned on, I hate myself. I don't want to be that person who's dominated, I want to be able to say no. But I don't. I masturbate, with things to hurt myself, I use ice cold water full blast in the shower to the point where I'm crying but I won't stop, I've used clamps and blades and humiliated myself by doing this infront of my family without them knowing what I've done (leaving it there under clothes etc). I cannot bear something being "in me" but when I'm feeling my lowest I will, I call myself names and tell myself I'm stupid and awful, and when I'm crying I'll use something bigger, to stretch myself, if I rip myself I don't care, I won't stop until I reach a climax and sometimes I still go because it's so painful and I seek that painful sex, because all the sex I've ever had has been painful. I'm someone who's self-harmed religiously, but this feels so different, it's the opposite, I don't have the control, it doesn't make me feel better, but I'm compelled to do it, I don't know if the worst pain is the physical or the emotional, it's like someones ripped a hole in my chest.

I hate myself for getting turned on, for feeling sexy, for the things I do to myself, I don't deserve the pain, I don't deserve the pleasure either.

However, when the opportunity for "normal" sex comes up, like friends with benefits, a chance to have sober consenting sex for the first time, I can't do it, I'm terrified, when the flirting gets that far I usually end up throwing up, even with my closest friends who know I have issues with sex (but they don't really have any idea why) and so really they're more trying to help, I just can't, I'm terrified.

I just don't know what I want, do I want sex? Do I want to be punished sexually? Or is it just that's all I know? I'm so confused and I'm sorry I'm rambling I just don't understand myself anymore, I wish I could be normal.