Married to Asexual
So Ive been married for coming up on 11 years now. While weve always been friends and get along about as well as any normal couple in most areas, our sex life has always been pretty terrible. For a long time I chalked this up to being inexperienced (we were both virgins when we got married), but eventually that excuse wore off and I started to think there was something wrong with me.
We ended up having a baby. Not long after he was born, she came to means told me that she realized that she is asexual. She isnt and has never been attracted to anyone, including me. While I was kinda hurt at finding out that my wife didnt find me attractive, I did my best to be supportive since I knew it had to have been hard for her to tell me.
Now I feel like Im forcing her to do something she doesnt want when I ask her for sex, and even when I do there is very little intimacy and I end up feeling like I would have been better off just masturbating.
Its now been almost 2 1/2 years since weve had sex at all, and I feel like I might as well be living with a roommate. I still care about her and I love our son, so I dont really feel like divorce is a good option.
I want to talk to her and tell her all this, but she struggles with depression and anxiety and I feel like Id just be making that worse while not really changing anything for the better.
I feel kinda trapped and dont know what to do.
I think I can really appreciate how you feel and your concerns about sharing with your wife when it sounds like she's in a very fragile state.
One thing I've learned is that I can't just push down and ignore what's happening inside of me because of my fear of how someone else will be impacted. I can still be sensitive and empathetic; I can be tactful in how I communicate, but if I feel trapped and don't have the ability to communicate, I'm going to crash down. And if you're anything like me, I can't live like that. I have a voice too.
This may be something that a licensed therapist could assist with, but that would also depend on whether or not your wife sees this as a problem and has any desire to change.
I really don't know. What I do know from my own experience is that communication for me has always been the right choice. It doesn't magically or automatically make things better. There's still those hard times, and those hurt times in between. But I now feel that if I am not choosing to bring the darkness inside of me (whatever is bothering me or bringing me down, or even poor choices I myself am making) then there's no way for the light to look at it with someone or to lift me up.
I'm glad you shared this here. What's your next right step?
@proactiveLake9714
I would try your best being open about your frustrations. One thing that I have heard of is asexual couples allowing their partners to have open relationships in which the sexual partner is able to find others who are sexually active and participate with them so long as they are honest and tell the other partner what is going on. On the other hand I can also see that being hard for you if you feel committed to her to a large degree and want her approval to feel satisfied sexually.
