Need some advice from a woman's perspective
Hey everyone, have a bit of a question that I'm hoping someone (preferably a female/married spouse) can lend some advice on. My wife (35F) and myself (35M) have been together for 15 years, married for 13 years. Sex has always been one of those things where I want it a little more than she does, everything is good once she is in the mood, she would just take a little more time to get there. Pre-kids she blamed it on work and school and birth control taking away her sex drive (which she was over worked, worried about pay, worried about getting her career going, and was on a few different birth controls trying to find one that work with her), sex started at once a week, then once a month, then maybe once every other month. After things started lining up life wise, spending months trying multiple times a day for each of our kids, and the last 7 years after my youngest was born it's gotten better and we are probably average about 2-3 times a month now. This past year, with us both working from home, it has honestly helped our sex life significantly more as we can have our time alone while kids are at school instead of at the end of a busy day/night when we are both exhausted. Today though, I had a moment that kind of took me back. A little back story, after we had found out she was pregnant with our youngest, I found out maybe a month or so after that she was sexting a guy in another state. They were never together, would send photos and chat back and forth but while this was going on, our sex life perked up a bit and she was a bit more adventurous hearing what this other guy would do or what him and his wife were doing. It almost broke us apart, but we managed to work though it. Today, we had a little bit of a break from work and went upstairs to have some fun while the kids are at school. Everything was going well, until she got on all fours. This position has been one that she almost always has refused to do (no, not referring to anal, that's a whole other topic, this is just the position). She said it always hurt too much, stretched too much and hurt her back too much, was uncomfortable and just did not feel good to her in any way. 15 years together, I can count on one hand how many times we've tried this position and 2 of those times have been in the last 3 weeks. To my surprise, when I asked if she was okay with it (I knew she didn't enjoy it and I don't want her to not enjoy something because she thinks I will), she said she actually likes this position the best of everything... 15 years of hating it, and suddenly loves it after trying it again the last couple times. I don't know what to think about this. The rational side of me looks at everything else leading up to the last couple times. Both of us being overweight, trying to get ourselves into a better place physically, working out daily, how I am always positive towards her goals, always commenting on how good she has always looked to me, how I almost always grab her hips and pull her close randomly, how I support the things she wants to do and maybe that combination of everything has made her less self conscious about her figure and allowing her to open up more and wanting to do more. She has commented a few times over the last few months that the only person she wants to impress is me, and my response is that she always has. The irrational thoughts though, the ones that are making me doubt things are the ones that brought back the memories from years ago where the sudden change in behavior wasn't from me but another person. I don't have a reason to think she'd be doing anything again, but I also didn't have a reason to think she would when it happened. So, from a woman's perspective, should I be worried? Should I be concerned? I don't want to bring up anything we've moved well past and I definitely don't want to bring her down if this is a confidence booster. Is it normal for a married woman who hasn't had much experience with 1 position to randomly say she enjoys it the most after all these years? I've heard that some woman hit their sexual prime towards their mid 30s to 40s, don't know if that's even remotely true....I don't know what to think or ask or say or if I even should. It's just so odd to me that after so many years of it being a no, it's all of a sudden her new favorite.
Hunter, I'm no expert but I'll just say what I can that might help you....maybe she's just starting to learn about what she wants because you've both had more time to explore than before covid. My experience is that women's body's change alot and each decade brings different challenges and it's different for everyone. I'm older been married 30+ and pregnancy was a concern up until 10 years ago. Now it's not an issue and there's more freedom for us and I feel like communication is the key. Asking for what the partner wants without judgement and being able to compromise on what these fantasies are so they work for both involved is so important. Sometimes you read a great explicit love story or see a love relationship in a tv show/movie and it's like hey that's something I'd like to try. I felt shy about asking so I wrote letters and my spouse loved it and the letters turned him on. So everyone is different, communicate about everything and anything and share what's in your heart. I found this worked the best and dissipated any doubts ....good luck ABB
I understand that, and know communication is incredibly important. The change in behavior and wanting something different, that was for years prior a taboo, a don't even think about it and don't ask for it thing, is just throwing me through a loop.
Yes I understand your concerns. I have changed to opposite of things I didn't like 20 yrs ago. Try talking to her if it's really weighing heavy on your mind. If it's not you can just take one day at a time.
@Hunter151 For myself as a woman, sexuality is very personal and feeling a sense of empowerment and agency around it is very important. Keep in mind also that society unfortunately doesn't always encourage women to be confident about this type of thing. I can say that unfortunately I have experienced men in the past be disrespectful or make me feel ashamed or sort of treated me like I'm innocent which felt insulting to me. I felt that I had to spend some time by myself and as I have grown older I feel more confident in trying new things if it is on my terms. It seems likely to me that your wife may have reached a point of wanting to experiment more, so maybe try to ask more directly what she would like to try and how it can feel empowering to her.