Scared as hell
I keep getting the sexual urges. I have been successful in fighting them off but its getting harder and harder. Consent doesnt suffice. The only way I get my heart racing and my blood pumping is through deviancy. I love doing what Im not allowed to. I cant help it. God I hate myself for it but I just cant change. Ive tried. The only way to banish sadistic urges is by stringing myself out by smoking all day. But I hate myself for feeling like a drug addict. I dont see any way out. I dont see any kind of happiness awaiting me. I dont know what to do. I feel like the only way to save future sexual victims is by killing myself. I cant tell anybody about me. They would tell me Im sick, that I deserve to die. I can hide in the world but I dont know how much longer my innocence can remain. I dont care about anything. I dont care about anyone. I dont care about the world. I only care about myself but I keep losing grip of the empathy that keeps me from acting on what I want. I dont feel shit. I dont feel love. People tell me they love me but I dont know what that means. I dont know what normal feel everyday. I just feel cold. Ita only when Im preying on others emotionally that I feel. I hate that I cant tell anybody about me besides strangers on the internet. Why does the world hate me?
@Ildivino66
Hey...it sounds like you're going through a lot, and I'm sorry that you're feeling so much pain and self-hatred. Have you thought about talking to a professional counselor about everything? So you won't have to feel all alone in this?
@emitlove I cant go to any therapists with this kind of information. Theres a specific quetion that every doctor dealing with mental health will ask you. "Have you thought about hurting yourself or anyone else?" Thats the question that can solicit a warrant to breach doctor-patient confidentiality. Saying yes to that question gets your name put on a list to the authorities. A list that will be kept in case of a suspected crime with your name tied to it. If your name is on that list, authoirites have automatic permission to a search warrant and can arrest you without needing probable cause. I dont think anyone would want to be susceptible to that kind of vulnerability, especially by their own hand. I can only cry for help anonymously on the internet
Hi. Maybe there are ways to indulge your sadist streak without being rapey. Their are a fair number of submissive, masochist type in the BDSM community. Maybe you can quench your desire of mixing pain with pleasure without breaking consent,
@honestTangerine2432 that would be very nice. It might be my only way out. Though I am terribly fearful of rejection. I am also not very comfortable with sharing my thoughts and my inner self. I am a rather private person, most of my social interactions are carefully planned beforehand, and I show little of my true self. I try to help myself but I am afraid I am wired incorrectly.
@Ildivino66 Maybe actually that's where you should start - opening up. Keeping everything inside, and planning and manipulating the image other see of you takes energy and ultimately does not make you feel good about yourself. I'm not saying to go shouting out every thought that comes to your head, but just little by little open up, write it out anonymously somewhere. I'm not saying it will be easy. You said you don't care about anything and you don't feel anything. That's because you shut yourself in your own world it seems and you refuse any other people to see the real you, it seems. I'm sorry if I'm rude jumping to conclusions here. Your reply here reminded me of a person I used to know, and how he talked about feeling fake for manipulating his own image. You can always change but it's fucking hard work, and insanely difficult without a support community or a help from a professional. You have to truly want it though.
@Ildivino66
dont hate yourself for what you are! if you want to talk about this topic some more, send me a message. I'm in a BDSM relationship and I can help you understand it more and help show you how to get involved with it in your local area (if you want). Its going to be okay, I promise!
