Unsure what to do
So I’m not really looking for judgment here. I’m in a really sensitive place right now so think twice before commenting. Thanks.
—
So basically, ugh long story. Cutting to the chase, I have sexual feelings for this guy. But I don’t love him. I mean, I know him and we have been trying to get to know each other, but he isn’t that interesting to me. While my mind and heart says no I don’t think I should have sex with him, because I’ve only had sex with one person who I was deeply in love with—and for me, sex is sacred. My mind and heart say well you don’t love him. But he’s a decent guy, honest, and he has some charm. However, I am in love with someone else. I’ll call him an ex just for the sake of my time explaining things. It’s mutual. My ex and I love each other and we had sex but we are long distance and not speaking. And before anyone asks, no I can’t talk to him, yes I’ve tried, all I have right now is silence. And I’m pretty sure he’s with another girl. yet he is still in love with me.
so obviously he’s doing it. I met this guy and I was attracted to him because he reminds me of the one I love. In looks I mean.
and...we do dirty texting but he wants the real thing if I want to. It’s up to me. And I don’t know. Because I’m missing my ex so badly and he’s doing who knows what with someone else. So why do I have reservations?
I guess it’s just hard because I don’t view sex as something without strings attached. It’s very spiritual for me, and I’m afraid that if I mix my energy with this other guy, it’s going to affect me.
so my body is screaming at me like go for it. But my mind and heart are like...well, when I have had pleasurable moments with this guy, I think about my ex in those moments. And I almost “forget” in ecstasy that I don’t love this guy. I would be afraid I would blurt out “I love you” or my ex’s name.
So it seems obvious. Don’t have sex with him. I’m not even on birth control anymore so it would be a hassle.
Now that I think about it, I want to be with him for the wrong reasons. It’s purely physical. and he’s okay with that. But am I? I’ve never done that before. I don’t know what to do. It’s like a craving and I could easily say no. But...I’m just so confused. My instincts are all over the place. I usually rely on my instincts. I keep thinking maybe I met this guy for a reason for self growth. Maybe my ex and I need to be with others right now in order to come back together.
but I feel like those are excuses.
Im almost scared about what decision I’ll make. I’m terrified it will be wrong and I’ll lose both of them. Or that I’ll go for it and I’ll regret it.
what do I do...
Hi there. I could relate with the sacred sex view that you had. I have the same principles too- I don’t want to do it with someone that I’m not in love with. Because for me it’s an act of love. I think if you were doing it with the new guy, it’s likely that you’ll regret afterwards, bcz you’re doing it but imagining your ex, bcz you’re doing something that is not align with what you believe. It’s not wrong to have sex with the new guy but for me it would be better if you’re doing it out of love, which you believe is the right thing. So you’ll be likely not regretting the act afterwards.
It’s okay to say no to things that you are not comfortable yet. Take your time to think things thoroughly. I understand the craving, it feels good to be embraced and loved with all the intimate act when we’re heartbroken. But like you said, it was based on the wrong reasons. If it’s matter to you, it is better to make the decision with clear mind, better if after you had closure with your ex. Your ex doing it with someone else doesn’t mean you have to do it with someone else too.
Tell the new guy that you’re taking your time to do it. You said he is a decent guy, so I like to believe he would understand that. If he leaves because you’re taking your time to get comfortable emotionally with him to do such intimate things then in my opinion he’s not really an understanding person to be with. Take your time to know this guy. Do the intimate stuff with him when you feel ready to do it emotionally. Don’t be too harsh on yourself :)
