42 and tired of it...

Hopefully this is the right place for this... Apologizing as this could get long - Need to rant/vent and don't have that "right" person in my life to do that with...

42 y/o male. Divorced in 2015. Still single... (Found out a good friend just got married and he divorced the same time as me - thus here I am)

Going back - Never have found "true" love... Had several girlfriends here and there when I was younger... Then I settled and married back in 2004 for someone who had an amazing son. I loved him more than I loved her. I adopted him, and we had twin boys together. Never really felt connected to her - she and I were polar opposites. Never meant for each other. But we did have two amazing boys, so I can't say I regret it entirely. She's been in a relationship since before we divorced. Still with the guy that she left me for (divorce was mutual - we both needed out - I would have stayed in the crappy relationship for the kids. I see now that would have been a bad decision, but they were all I cared about).

Just looking to make that "true" connection with someone. Been looking all my life really, and it still hasn't happened. I have mostly married friends who seem to have found that connection. I don't like feeling sorry for myself, but at times I get into these moods...

After the Divorce, I told myself I'd never settle again for less than I deserved. I've had a couple short term relationships since the divorce, but it's been pretty dry. I haven't been on a date in over a year and a half now. One FWB type thing that we tried back in 2015... We recently revisited that again a month or so ago, but it doesn't feel right at all. I have no attraction to her, but we find ourselves with a lot of similarities. Similar age, both with teenage kids, etc... She's kind of a "debbie downer" - Saying how she's going to be alone forever, etc... Not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for someone fun, enthusiastic, ambitious, etc. (ex wife was very lazy - always stayed home, in bed, didn't clean up after herself, etc). I like to get outdoors. Fish, kayak, hike, bike, explore... Looking for someone fun to live life with!

But hanging around with all married people doesn't expose me to too many singles my age. I'm on a couple dating sites, but it just feels all wrong. I'm kind of old fashioned. I'd like to meet someone, feel an attraction (butterflies?), then go from there.

I've always heard that love will come when you least expect it. I do find myself looking around every corner for it. Going to events, thinking maybe I'll meet someone. I'm trying to focus on me - making myself happy first (sometimes it works, othertimes I feel lonely) I've joined a gym. I own a nice home, couple cars, a jeep, kayaks, a boat... Decent job... Trying to get out and do stuff to hopefully meet someone. But I'm still waiting. Waiting and waiting. It seems to happen so easily for everyone else. I know that's not entirely true, but it just does. Am I picky? Probably. I wasn't attracted to my ex. I really want to find someone I'm attracted to. I'm not talking supermodel. Someone I find cute, pretty, etc.

I'm starting to settle in to the idea that I may be alone for a while. I have my kids at least 50% of the time. I don't want to involve them in my relationship at first. I'm not one who thinks my kids should meet a new girlfriend immediately. If things get serious, then sure. But it would have to be a couple months at least to verify that it's something real. That hasn't happened yet. Being I have the kids often, I don't get out much on my own. When I do have them, I take them to their sports, make dinners, do laundry, hang out, etc, etc. When I don't have them, I find myself working in my garage working on things, or I have firefighter training, etc. I'm not one to go to the bar alone very often. I have done it - I did a few weeks back actually, and ran into a friend who I am attracted to, but alas she's married. :( Besides a "bar fly" isn't quite my thought of an "ideal woman". Someone who enjoys going out from time to time is not a problem. What are the chances of meeting someone like that, when I maybe get out once a month?

One last mention - I care too much what others think of me. My appearance... the people I'm with... I've recently connected (talked, flirted, - nothing more) with someone at our fire station. She's 25 though. That's quite a difference. She probably has much different priorities than me - starting a family, etc. Whereas I'm not interested in adding on to my family. And what would people think? a 42 year old with a 25 year old? Almost sounds perverted. But she is cute and a lot of fun...

well - rant over. I don't have any questions, nor am I looking for anything in particular. I just felt the need to vent to someone who might listen. If you feel like commenting, by all means please do... I may add to this if I think of more stuff to vent... Thanks.