9 year relationship, substance abuse toxic, I’m still in love? Am I being manipulated ?

I am 27 he is 33. Our child is 8. We have been together 9 years. I am con dependant. My life revolved around our relationship. We recently ended because I cared for him through a health addiction for 1 year which turned out to be a cover for cocaine addiction. He lied to my face every day about this for 1 year. He is very angry. He says our relationship made him depressed and he needs time to find himself. I forgave him when he was 5 weeks clean and in therapy. He came home but then started picking on things I need to change. My anxiety being one with trusting him. He has also had an anal toys secret because of the cocaine. The cocaine has also been used in the past. I am Ttotal in all areas and sensible and safe person. His habits include reckless driving & thriver-less spending as he is wealthy. Recently after our split again once I took him back, he is pointing out I need to prove myself to him basically? So he respects me more and will put time into us when he see’s changes with my personality but I have just been through hell with him and stood by him… things have always been up and down. He thinks the clothes I wear are to stand out to other men and that I have my lips done to attract other men. He is anxious about my most recent friend and worries of my friendship with her. I was never allowed his phone password. He called me so manynasty names but I still love him, did I make him this way to me and I’m really that bad and It’s me who needs to change? Is it all my fault?