Afraid of abandonment
I'm a 20 year old woman and I just recently got engaged to the love of my life. Our relationship is great for the most part, I love him very deeply and he says he loves me too and always reassures me that he will never leave me. But the problem is that I'm always paranoid, I always snap at him or talk to him disrespectfully because I have issues with managing my emotions and I have intense anxiety. Because of that, I'm always afraid of losing him even though he always says he will never give up on me, even after our worst fights. I want to stop being paranoid and I want to learn to control my emotions.
@Star0211 I relate with you so much. I am in a relationship that for the most part is very healthy but when something emotionally triggering comes up it's very hard to see that. One thing that has really helped me in the past is communicating with my partner exactly what I'm feeling when I start to feel those negative emotions well up. You may or may not get the kind of relief that you are looking for but at the very least you are letting your boyfriend/girlfriend know exactly how their actions (whether good, bad, or inbetween) are effecting you and there is some real power in that. Just keep an open line of communication going!!
@claysanatomy thank you for your advice, my aunt heard us fighting recently and said that if I continued on that way he will leave me, and that is one of my biggest fears and I'm having problems falling asleep right now. However, seeing that people are supporting me on this app really is helpful :)
@Star0211 Absolutely, hang in there. There are people out there experiencing the exact same thing as you which I think is the beauty of this app!
I'm a 23 years old girl, I've been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years, but things are going really strange for about 1-2 months... At the begning of the year she used to say that I didn't care for her, that she didn't feel like I loved her enough and we had lots of discussions and crying because of that... I have anxiety and these days were really bad, but now we are arguing again and it's killing me... she says I'm being too clingy, that she needs more space... but I really think she just doesn't know how to break up with me. I know that she likes me, but she is losing all the love she had... and I can't stand this, I want to have her in my life so much, but this arguing and not understating is driving me crazy, I'm not sleeping well, not eating well... and one thing I hate the most about all of it is that she doesn't want to solve this, she always come with some excuse to postpone our conversations. I don't know what to do... I think I'll try to talk to her tomorrow, but I'm afraid that she will postpone again or worse... that she'll want to talk just to break up with me...
I need something to keep me calm...
@greenStrawberries4457 Wow, that sounds incredibly tough. Relationships are hard, especially the longer and more we invest in them. I think using the 'My Path' on this site might be a really good way to immediately relieve some of your anxiety. Have you tried talking to and LGBT listener or joining a support group on here?
@claysanatomy I'm doing the path here... sometimes it helps sometimes it doesnt... but thanks for the comment :)
@Star0211
If you want my opinion, you snapping and give him a disrespect, is a defense mechanism for underlying issues, i know for a fact that you love and adore him, you want to be perfect for him, so you hold in problems and your love for him doesnt show, because it gets to the point of being so bad by holding in all those endless thoughts and pointless worries, open up about your emotional issues, you get more of a support and understanding from him.
I also think you should love and enjoy yourself. Find individuality, because your issue is abandoment, I think that's because you know at the end, your going to be on your very own feet and i wonder if you think you can make it without him (you can! and he can without you too! and if you really enjoy companionship and love eachother in this relationship, then you find it better and can suceed things in life together) Find hobbies, interests and build on that, and you can share with the world, not only your boyfriend will love you, but we would love you too.
@PearTree1904
by opening up to him, you also see your issues clearer, as theyre cleared up by him and you can see your issues out clearly, hold the tip of your tounge at the back of your frontal teeth, and before you say whats on your mind, inhale, and if you think what your saying to him is clear and an issue to be adressing, then say it, i think u can deliver whats on your mind, and if its like hold on, thats a bit irrational, what am i thinking, swallow it, and let it be gone.
BTW, what does your aunt know? no offense but you know him and you know yourself better than we all do, unless its an abusive relationship, i think you should keep your relationship private, fights are a healthy way of releasing tension and building your relationship stronger, (if they love and can forgive you), however keep it private too, low and professional, like your speaking to your boss about a propersition and your addressing it because you need to learn and know, keep your fights no more than 15 mins (time it!), and once a week and have more talking time. I hear your engaged, congrats! but u going to have to be able to commuincate with your life partner for life.
@PearTree1904
it seems like your a caring and over worried person, DONOTWORRY!
The joker once said in Batman;
Why so serious
It's a relationship with someone u love, your best friend, unless its school or an exam then i would take it seriously. Its a relationship and You can relax! Its all for fun. Show that, your comfortable, relaxed and able to express yourself in the most important situations, whether fun or serious, your making life long memories with this person, because at every night when you go to bed or if the abandoment does happen, you can ALWAYS reflect on the fact you tried your best, and no ragrets.
By showing, giving him the best times the majority of the time, it overrides the fights and worse short and small times. Which is why i think your fiance, did ask you to marry him and did said he wont leave u,
@PearTree1904 thank you for your support, my aunt was telling me she heard me yelling at him and when I'm angry I tend to swear a lot. I didn't swear at him but I was being insulting, because I didn't know how to express my anger. There were times I actually did say nasty things to him and we did work it out but I always felt guilty about it. Sometimes I feel as though I can be verbally abusive and demanding and I always apologize to him and he forgive me and says he will never leave. And this is kind of irrelevant but I break down crying whenever I hear it remember the song "goodbye my lover" by James Blunt. But at the end of the day I do know I have to be more independent and I will try my best to work through it. Again, thank you so much for your support it really helped.
@PearTree1904 Very well said I agree with you 100%
@Star0211
Hi. It sounds like you have great insight into what you would like to work on to make yourself and your relationship healthier, thats awesome, its the first step. Managing your emotions and learning how to express yourself in a healthy way can be done with time and practice. Tell your significant other that you recognize this is an issue and that you are really going to work on it. A great way to start is to become aware of when you are starting to get aggitated and /or anxious and learn to take a break before you say anthing. Its putting a pause and creating a space before you react so you can respond in the way you choose to. It will take some effort and awareness but that would be a great start.
@ali1112 yeah, the problem is that I'm way too impulsive, I am working on it though. I never really was a rational person. I always acted impulsively about a lot of decisions I made. But thank you so much for your help and support. The meditation tapes have also been helping a lot
