Anxiety After Cheating
Im aware that this isnt like the other posts on this thread, but I feel hopeless and disgusting right now, and I need help.
In this case, I am the cheater, I kissed a guy a couple months back (it was just a kiss), and my boyfriend found out about it. He confronted me and at first I denied it because I was scared, but I then called him and told him everything. The kiss was a mistake and it meant nothing.
My boyfriend and I have made a life plan for both of us, and I love him deeply. But, I dont want a stupid mistake to completely destroy years of our solid relationship. Im willing to do everything to fix this. But I dont know what to do. He doesnt trust me, and thats understandable.
But I truly love him. A mistake like that hadnt happened and will never happen again. Ive regretted it ever since. I know I shouldve told him, but I didnt, and I hate myself for that.
I need to know what I should do.
Someone please help.
@Giggles4ya,
TBH with you,what you should do is face the fact that obviously not everything is ok with your feelings about your boyfriend.You might have made plans in theory about your life but first you need to dig deep into your inner feelings and find out what made you do the thing you did.There is always a reason behind every action,find what motivated you to do this,maybe you want to be in a committed relationship but subconsciously want to explore what is out there and don't want to be restricted to only one person.On the other hand,maybe your boyfriend is not meeting all your needs and you looked for this somewhere else.I repeat,there is always a reason for the things we do,it's up to you to find what is yours for cheating.Another honest point of view is that it is always the choice that you had to make and you chose to cheat,so the choice was yours.It is always a fact that a person chooses to cheat,this is how things work from psychological point of view.Learn to take responsibility for your behaviourr,there are always conseqences for our choices as cliche as this may sound to you.There is nothing you can do about your boyfriend's lack of trust.You can't control his actions ,feelings or thoughts,he will decide if he is willing to go on with the relationship.Think for a while ,if you were in his shoes and he had cheated on you, woul you act as if nothing had happened?Probably not!If trust is lost,it's almost impossible to be gained again.If I were in a similar situation,in your boyfriend's shoes,I'd leave because I would regard this as betrayal,sorry if .my words are too harsh for you but I'd rather be honest with people than beat around the bush!
@intellectualCake2979
I appreciate your honest reply
@Giggles4ya,
You are welcome!Learn what you can from this situation,if you pretend it nevefnhappened or it is not a big deal,you will repeat the same pattern again and again.One more thing that comes to my mind - would you respect your boyfriend if he forgave you quickly or does not care?What would this show you - this will show that you can do it again in the future and nobody would care.Then what kind of relationship is that?Maybe polygamous but would you be ok if your boyfriend does this on a regular basis?I for one know I can't handle polygamous relationships and I am sure not many people can.Though some people pretend like it's not a big deal but it's only when looking from their point of view,they like the idea of being able to do what they want but when it comes to their partner,this changes,they won't handle it very well.It's next to impossible to re-build a relationship after a betrayal,it will always be lurking.Though a lot of relationships or families are built on such a basis - well,what's the big deal,everybody makes mistakes,we are not perfect,we need to compromise etc.The end result is fake relationships ,secrets hidden behind facades and tons of unhealthy patterns of behaviour.I don't want to say "Been there,done that" but trust me I know what I am talking about!
@intellectualCake2979
Update: we talked things through just yesterday, and were both working on rebuilding the relationship and that trust once again. Were taking it slow right now, and we will see where it goes from there.
@Giggles4ya,
Open and honest communication. is key for a healthy relationship as well as .mutual trust,support and understanding!
@Giggles4ya,
Did you identify the reason within yourself and express it openly?That's more important than just having a talk.Why did it happen - look into this!
@intellectualCake2979
Yes, I actually did look into that. I feel like I had a moment of weakness and vulnerability that made me do such an act, but I believe that Im learning how to better deal with my own insecurities so I wouldnt be in such a situation again.
@Giggles4ya,
See,you have made excellent progress - identify the problem,then look for the reason behind it,we all have vulnerabilities,that's why we are human :),but the thing is what we are vulnerable about ,in this case the vulnerability causes problems for you and your relationship,and there is. a reason,sometimes even subconscious,for why we are vulnerable.I can give you some reasons from my point of view for your situation.Say,we sometimes are so sure of the person we are with,take them for granted,get a little bit bored within the relationship,looking for some thrill ,feeling flattered by another guy's attention or similar things.But the thing is,we should express our feelings to our partner BEFORE we get into trouble.We usually become vulnerable when we don't have all our needs met or are afrald of asking for them to be met.Maybe you should dig deeper along these lines and see what comes up!
@intellectualCake2979
Yes, youre right!
This makes a lot of sense, Ive never thought about it that way. I guess I was always too afraid to speak up about it.
I really do appreciate the fact that youre taking the time to reply and help me out.
@Giggles4ya,
You are welcome! :) Isn't this why we are all here for - sharing experiences and views to help those in needI may sound too harsh sometimes,I don't always mean to,it just comes out that way!But the important thing I have learned from my digging into emotional stuff ,,reading aout it etc is that we should first of all love ourselves,accept all our quirks and imperfections,do something to improve the not so healthy ones .Also we all make mistakes,we should learn to love ourselves despite the mistake,forgive ourselves for making the mistake but also forgive does not mean forget the mistake - we should be accountable for our behaviour ,deal with the consequences and avoid making the same .mistake again.We should apply the same.rule when interacting with other people.We are responsible for the way we allow other people to treat us.If we respect ourselves,we will not allow the others to disrespect us!Enjoy your day and good luck!
@intellectualCake2979
i wish you the very best!
@Giggles4ya,
One last thing to encourage you a little bit - it's not all about the mistakes we make or pointing fingers at other people but about owning our behaviour, and deal with consequences ,not easy but this is the brave and wise and right thing to do,learning from your mistakes in order to become a better person.We all have learned patterns of behaviour (in most cases not health ones) from our past.O if task is to identify them,unlearn them and adopt healthy habits in order to be able to have healthy relationships.It's not an excuse that a lot of people make the same.e mistakes and get by well enough.It's just superficial thinkngthsuppressing the real problems is not the solution.You know,I have been reading on human behaviour,watching you tube videos,going on support group sites,r was people's posts etc for more than a year now so this is in short what I have come to understand so far and I am sure I have not even scratched the surface of the matter yet but at least I am on this life-long journey,have made the first step towards self-discovery, by recognizing problems and looking for answers and solutions. Being here on this site shows you have made that first step towards becoming your future self,what happens next depends eneirely on you,so wishing you good luck on your journey!
@intellectualCake2979
Reading what you just said is very eye-opening, I want to become a better person, and I will commit to this journey of self discovery. Your honest words have helped a lot. I wish you all the best.
@Giggles4ya,
You are so very welcome!Don't forget to always look for WHY and be honest with you and go from there!Thanks for your wishes!The same to you!
