Breaking up and getting back together

Hi, I just wanted some advice / reassurance or even a different perspective on my most recent relationship. I feel a little bit of backstory is needed before I dive into this. So I’ve struggled with quite severe mental health issues since I was 12 (now 27) and had been hospitalised and kept in inpatient care facilities throughout my adolescence since the beginning of my struggles. I missed out on school and the social growth that usually occurs around the teenage years as I was in hospitals/attending appointments/in inpatient care. So I feel I never really developed ‘who I am’ or properly explored my hobbies and interests. I also didn’t get the opportunity to fully socialise with other people my age. I was just kind of scooped up and then dropped out when I was ‘stable’ enough. So I never had a feeling of stability in my life and always lived in a constant limbo of ‘better not get too comfortable’ because I never knew when I’d be scooped up out of my life again. So naturally I know I have a lot of issues. I never had any support to help work through or identify any issues this kind of upbringing could have caused me so I’ve kind of struggled ever since with boundaries, trust, contentment, stability, intimacy, anxiety. I also feel really trapped a lot not so much emotionally trapped when I’m in a relationship but regardless of what type of commitment it is I always get this urge to run and isolate myself whenever I’m getting deep into anything that could prove to become more serious or have any kind of commitment/reliability attached to it. It makes me feel really awful and I feel such guilt and feel like a terrible person and I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to function within a ‘normal’ lifestyle. I do this ‘out of the blue’ drop and run all the time, wether it’s with new friends, jobs, relationships, education. I just can’t seem to stick at or in anything that requires me to be around or get to know people or people getting to really know me it seems. I’ve had boyfriends throughout my twenties since being last admitted to inpatient care (last admission was 20, so I’ve been out of inpatient treatment for the last 7 years). Maybe too many boyfriends. They all seemed to be very interested at first then my issues with intimacy or worries about not having any experience with men. Like I’m talking never been kissed and being a virgin right down to knowing that I lived a very different life to them in that I’d never been to end of year proms or dated in high school or even attended high school also being in hospitals meant that I kind of missed out on all the popular things at certain times and so I felt I couldn’t relate to anyone my age and felt I had nothing to really bring up in conversation. I kept my past mostly secret from the guys I dated for fear of them thinking I was unstable and the shame that would cause and the fear it would get out and employers would find out. I just didn’t want to be judged by my past or have to live with my mental illness as my identity anymore. Last year I met a guy who was unlike any other guy I’d ever dated in terms of personality (I’m more of an outdoorsy person and quite introverted) he was loud and confident and in looks. However we both fell really deeply in love with each other really quickly and I felt able to disclose my past history with him within the first month of dating. To my surprise this didn’t change anything between us and if anything brought us closer. I soon discovered that he drank a lot and his behaviour would drastically change whenever he drank. I found this really difficult and didn’t want to be the girlfriend who would not allow her boyfriend to drink with his buddies. We broke up after New Years because he got so drunk I had to leave a party we were at early and help him home. I just felt that this wasn’t the first time and wouldn’t be the last he would get this bad and that it wasn’t how I wanted to start the new year. We got back together not long after the break up. Then other cracks started to appear. He became really obsessive about wanting to know where I was and what I was doing and I was starting to feel exhausted from having to text multiple time’s in my day and then having to drive after work to see him when I’d just worked a long shift and had been stressed by feeling guilty for not being with him or replying in a way i thought was ‘good enough’. He would sometimes comment that I seemed off and this would make me feel guilty and like I needed to not be that way because I didn’t want to make him feel bad but the truth was I was exhausted mentally and physically and I felt he didn’t make as much of an effort as me to come to see me (he doesn’t drive or work full time like i do). I brought this up when I was close to breaking point again and he promised to make more of an effort but didn’t. So we broke up. Then got back together. Basically this cycle rinse and repeat. We even moved in together about 4 time’s. I felt because we had such different interests I always seemed to be the one who would have to give up my wants to accommodate his and because we were always together all my free time became his time and I started to feel like just a empty shadow like when I was locked away as an adolescent and not able to do what I wanted to do. We would talk about doing more outdoorsy things together but he would stay up so late and then sleep in so late that by the time he would be ready it would be late afternoon. I felt i was always waiting on him so I could live my life and that scared me. It didn’t seem a very balanced relationship. I love him and love being with him and I don’t feel so alone yet when I am with him I’m sometimes more lonely than when I’m by myself. I’m struggling to fight the urge to go back again although I know we’re just not right for each other but I worry I’ll never find anyone who will love me like he does. But can accept that there are different and more healthy ways to show love to someone than just saying the words and being affectionate. I feel terrible as I keep leaving causing hurt then going back only to repeat the cycle. I also don’t want to have to try to explain to any new potential life partners why there is a near ten year period of my life that seems to not exist as even though people are more understanding of mental illness even I can appreciate a decade of inpatient care is quite a lot to process. Any advice would be really appreciated. Thank you x