Cheating

I dont know if this is the right place to write this but I need advice on how to work through this.

I have been married for 10+years and we have children together. I love my husband and I have always thought he has a great marriage. (I mean we fight but doesnt everyone?). I have been struggling a lot with my past. More then usual. I was in an abuse relationship and I was also raped. My husband was the only guy I was with after I dxwas raped. I keep trying meds but cant seem to find ones that work.

in October I started new meds and noticed I felt high (manic almost). One night I was drinking and not really sure how it happened but I ended up sleeping with my husbands friend. It was an odd experience like I was watching it happen but not in the moment. I hated myself... more then I ever thought possible. I had a panic attack where I was so scared what I could do I called my priest who had to talk me down. (My priest has always been a sounding board to me probably one of the only men besides my husband I trust)

flash forward I was drinking and my husbands friend randomly came over (to see husband). We were outside smoking. He questioned how likely it would be to repeat. I said no... he said keep drinking. I should have stopped drinking but I was already pretty drunk. He kept pressuring and I gave in. We slept together again. I feel like this time I pretended it wasnt happening I continued to smoke and I let him do his thing. I realize now that I get nervous in