Confused

okay, hopefully this space really is nonjudgmental because judgement is all i’ve been getting from my friends when i talk to them about my situation.

for the past four years, i have been in an on and off relationship with my ex, we’ll call him Clay. Clay is a really nice guy, has learned literally everything about me, everyone in the family loves him and everyone says he’s the one for me. and honestly, i think he is too. (but we’ll get to that later) we were together when i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder which is a battle that me and him have fought throughout our relationship. he has been very helpful and understanding of me, considering that he does love me with everything in him and has no trouble showing it. the times we’ve broken up were all me, mostly because i was… bored. our sex life wasn’t the greatest, we usually did the same things and idk, i just wasn’t satisfied and i ended things with him again.

now fast forward to a month or so after ending things, i meet this new guy, Al. well, technically i already knew him but i didn’t really like him as a person at first but i figured i give him another chance. Al and I dated for about three months. In the beginning of the relationship things were bad. in my eyes he was toxic. he would always watch me while i was on my phone, he would get mad when my guy friends texted me, so on and so forth (although i never gave him a reason to doubt me). we would always fight and he wasn’t really mature or ready for a serious relationship which is what we both weren’t looking for in the beginning. our physical bond on the other hand, was immaculate. he did everything i liked and learned how to please me and i *** LOVE THAT. we never went on dates though, and he didn’t do nice things for me like gift giving or you know, small gestures which i was verbal about so he knew what i wanted.

both of these relationships weren’t perfect but i know that i love both of them in their own ways but i don’t really know what to do. there’s so many things that go into this like how different (in a good way) i was in my relationship with Al and how he started trying to understand me towards the end and wanting to work things out. i think about all the effort i’ve put into that relationship, but then i also think about the way i felt most of the time when i was with him. he would say mean things to me sometimes and made me feel pretty *** but we had our good moments too and that physical bond. Cal, well there’s history there. I know I love him and he’s the guy I deserve because he’s never done anything to hurt me. He taught me how you should be treated in a relationship and never left my side, but our relationship lacks one key thing. I know these things can be talked about and worked on but I just don’t really know what to do, who to choose, how to feel… my life could change drastically, help :(