Depression and relationship strain
I’m so frustrated. My partner and I both suffer from depression and other mental disorders. So cleaning is hard for us. The trash and mess just builds up over time. Every Sunday I’ve been trying to keep up with cleaning the house. Because we are both off that day and can work together to clean. Well that was the idea anyway. Every time I’ve asked her to do something or help me with cleaning, she gets sick or “doesn’t feel good” or “has a fever” like literally the list goes on. I’m a nurse and to say the least I can tell when someone is legitimately sick. I really think she’s faking it to get out of helping. The thing is, if I call her out or tell her she’s faking then I’m the bad guy. So what do I end up doing? Cleaning the entire house by myself. And for someone who’s pretty depressed it’s not easy and having such a dirty house makes it worse. I’m really not asking for much. She asked me to make a list and divide up the tasks because that would help her. So I did. But every time it’s some kind of excuse as to why she can’t do it.so what the hell do I do? I can’t keep doing this by myself.
@oliverrainaandmunch
Hi! How are you going with the cleaning now? That sounds frustrating for you. I am guessing that to you 'legitimately sick' means physical pain/illness; but feeling sick or not good also applies to our emotional and mental health. And if there are issues with your relationship maybe she is not feeling up to it all and so practises avoidance to protect herself?
I can relate to her behaviour, and also yours as I am often in both positions. If you are feeling resentful/annoyed then it is hard to connect with her and a good caring connection is needed to figure this out!
The lists sounded like a good plan. Maybe you could help her break down the list into manageable pieces, so it is just one teeny thing to tick off each day/week. Some people get overwhelmed easily and emotional overwhelm is totally exhausting and physically draining. It could be a rule that you both tick off your lists before doing something fun (her things will be smaller than yours to start with, but be patient, they first goal is for her to do something). OR, maybe the cleaning could be the fun? Play some energetic music you both really love, get a special snack/treat for while you work. Pick some flowers and buy a nice essential oil to clean with.
Or maybe she could put money in a jar each week for you to hire someone to come and do her share. Cleaning gets done and she gets to rest. Or if she decides to do it she takes the money back.