Difficulties in my Mind

This is just for me, no comments please~

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It’s so hard to get out of the mindset sometimes of “he doesn’t deserve me.” That’s not the kind of vibe I want to be putting out there. I don’t want to be stuck in my ego, putting myself on a pedestal. It doesn’t help me, at the end of the day. I still love him. He still loves me. I want to be open to communication.

I don’t know why, but this has crossed my mind today. And I’m getting the feeling that this is how he thinks I feel about him. I really don’t, though. I care about him. I want the best for him. I want the best for me too. But that isn’t because I think I’m better or deserve better. No one is perfect. Certainly not me. I’ve lied before. I try not to, but I have. I try to always be honest. I mean...I only lie to protect myself. But then when I met him, I came clean with my lies, and realized that those lies I tell to make myself seem more mysterious or desirable, they end up hurting me.

im just so tired up here on this pedestal that he seems to put me on. Like I’m fine China, not to be tampered with. But I am not “deserving” of perfection, and neither is anyone else. I mean, it’s not up to others around me, to protect me. I protect myself. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t think of someone as precious to you and special, while at the same time, never getting close to them because they might break. That’s an awful thing to do to someone. and it’s counterproductive.

I know that I have issues. I’m trying my best to work on them. But I have to be honest with myself. I still love him. If my feelings change, that’s fine. But I’m not going to lie. And no matter how much I “wish” he would reach out, it doesn’t change me. Even if he did reach out, I’m the only one who can change myself. I love him. I welcome and invite his energy, but it honestly should not change my life or my goals, depending on whether he is with me or not.

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This is just for me, no comments please~

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