Failing Marriage
My husband and I no longer love each other, we are just two people living together and raising a kid, we lost the sparkle we once had... we barely even talk and all we do is just piss off each other...
@SarahAgl
do you want to try, or not? I'm not saying it would be possible, just asking?
@DavidEss
yes, I would like to try... even though at this stage I feel it s pointless, but I would like to try and get my life back, be happy again, be in love again...
@SarahAgl
If you aren't going to get counselling together, can I recommend a book?
It's by a chap I have a LOT of respect for.
How Love Works, by Steve and Shaaron Biddulph.
It's a book you can and should read and talk about together.
good luck!
Keep in touch
@DavidEss
thank you for this amazing advice 🙏 I googled the book and it is definitely what I am looking for! Other than that, reading together can be a great way reconnect and share insights...
will buy it for sure! Thank you for your support ❤️
@SarahAgl
If there was a spark before then there can definitely be one again. I know that with my wife I put off trying to talk about it because we would inevitably fight and make it worse. We drifted further and further apart for over ten years. In the end it took some pretty extreme events to wake us up to the fact that we were falling apart and we started trying to piece it back together. Then the pandemic came along and now who know ....
I'm assuming that you posted because you want to try and work it out with him. If so I would say then you should absolutely try and do that.There can be a lot of underlying reasons behind drifting apart, from having kids to physical issues to just changing interests. However, if there was a spark to begin with then there is always a chance to get it back.
Have you thought about counseling? I know that some people swear by it. For my wife the idea of seeing a counselor is pretty much the same as adnitting failure so we are tackling it ourselves. However I think that having a mediator could be very useful to keep the conversation productive.
@impartialOrange693
thank you for this supportive message.. I do want to try to fix things, so many issues have led to where we are right now...
My husband also didn't like the idea of counseling, mostly because he is in denial that our marriage is failing. He keeps doing small kind gestures but it is not enough. My goal is to first work on myself, my mental and physical health, get over my depression, and then maybe I will change and approach things differently. Hoping that this will change the dynamics of our relation. I will try online counseling with the pandemic situation, and then regular face to face counseling. I also joined this community for support and to help others facing similar issues.
I am happy to hear you are working things out with your wife, it gives me hope.
@SarahAgl
I think that's a great course of action. Being confident and happy with yourself will absolutely help you navigate everything else more successfully. If you do end up talking with a therapist individually I'm sure they will be able to help you identify constructive techniques to use at home too.
As long as you want to make the marriage work there is definitely a path forwards. Something it will unfortunately feel like you spend a month going forwards a few steps before losing all of that progress in one fight. Try not to let that dishearten you. I find that I try and roleplay out every potentially difficult in me head beforehand to try and reduce the risk of this but it doesn't always work out.
Good luck with everything and definitely don't lose the faith!
@impartialOrange693
Thank you for your support! I re-read your message every time I feel like giving up 🙏
good luck with everything as well!
@SarahAgl
You gave me a huge smile this morning thinking that my reply may have been of some use. I know that in my marriage the perseverence and compromise that I feel I have made have been worth it. I think that its probably different for everyone but for me I know that understanding what my partner will and will not admit to and making an agreement with myself to be OK with that is good enough for me. Whilst it would be great to have a completely even balance of responsibility and acceptance I knew what her limits were when I got into this so that should be good enough.
I do know that when it's good its really good and I see how our kids are thriving and that makes the times when I have to swallow my pride worthwhile.
Keep the faith!
@SarahAgl. Sounds like you are very active in trying to work on your marriage. That is so positive. I hope it can save the marriage. I do think like many have posted marriage counseling would be good. I would think both of you could do some work. Rarely can one person take on the weight and responsibility for a troubled marriage. I wouldn't think you caused all the problems and think you might not be able to fix them all. But, it sounds like if it can be done you are on the right track. No matter what working on yourself will have great benefits. The only change we can make is ourselves. I hope to read more about your progress and how this is working. It is encouraging to see your strength and such a bold step of faith.
@redPeach7215
you are right, it takes two to make a healthy marriage. We got married after only a year of dating. Shortly after my wedding, I started suffering from panic attacks and depression. I felt that marriage was a rushed decision and I felt stuck inside a relationship I wasn't sure of. My husband supported me through my anxiety cycles in his own way. Then we started drifting apart, I was more aware of where this is going and I tried to tackle the issue but he preferred denial. And slowly, our feelings started fading away...
This is why I decided to start by helping myself first and then my relationship.
Thank you for your support 🙏 and good luck with everything
@SarahAgl. Sorry. I know it's painful. You are not alone. It is the reason I joined 7 Cups. I too am looking for answers. I know it's hard. But, we are leaching out and not alone.
@redPeach7215
thank you for your support, it is the reason I joined as well. I believe sharing our problems and facing our greatest fears is the only way to overcome them.