Feelings for ex while in a relationship
This is my first post so not sure how it goes... but heres my try!
I dated my ex for 3 years. First love and my closest friend. We have remained friends on and off after the breakup, but we are always there for each other when we need someone to be there. I started dating my current boyfriend a few months after, and have now been dating for 7 months.
We met at school, and live in different states. I didn't see him all summer, and when I came back to school I felt overwhelmed. With moving in, family drama (fighting with parents day I left, didn't even say a proper goodbye we were on such bad terms), and the recent loss of some friendships, I couldn't handle even the slightest things he did that annoyed me.
I asked my ex for advice, and since he was in a similar situation, we were able to talk it out to each other.
I broke up with him after a week or two of being back at school, saying I needed to focus on bettering myself etc, which is true, but mostly I just didn't want to be with him anymore. He was shocked but very understanding.
Started hanging out with the boyfriend of 3 years, since we were both having a hard time. We became intimate which confused me because I felt guilty for breaking up with the recent boyfriend, being there wasn't any problems with the relationship on the surface, I just wasn't into it anymore. He's just not someone I can see myself ending up with, but we got back together. I think it was a mixture of guilt, not giving each other time spent apart, and my need for stability.
Before we got back together, I asked the boyfriend of 3 years if he wanted to get back together, because I still and will always love him. He said he couldn't commit then, and after I told him I got back with the other guy, he admitted he loves me and wants to be with me forever.
I feel so guilty, but I do love the old boyfriend. I am currently dating the other guy, and I know its not fair to me or him if I am not fully in the relationship because of feelings for someone else, but i just can't break up with him again. he would be heart broken. I also have been depressed lately because of this whole situation and just life... and he has been such a great boyfriend always supporting me and helping me. I feel like I am just using him, especially if i were to break up with him.
Sorry this is long, I just feel like all the details matter. My heart is telling me to go back to my first boy friend, but my mind is telling me I am immoral for doing so.
@easyPlum226
Heya, first of all thanks for sharing ! All the details matter indeed :)
It sounds like this is a tough and confusing situation which must be hard to handle for you. I can understand that it makes you feel depressed and adds up to the rest. I also can relate a lot to it, your heart telling you something, but your head telling you something else. And its hard to know which one to follow, even if I dont believe there is any good or bad choice (but thats just my opinion).
I guess what is good to remember is that youre living for yourself first, and its important to make your choices for yourself first before than for someone else. You mention following your heart would make you feel immoral for doing so and like youve been using your current boyfriend, which I totally understand and would feel the same if it was me. The other important question to ask yourself is: how not following your heart would make you feel? Would it lead to having regrets and not feeling satisfied with your current relationship? (and a bunch more questions but I don't want to overwhelm you with things to think about and ask yourself, but if you want more of them let me know, I'm in a very similar situation so I have all these questions in my head to help me figure things out as well haha)
Im sorry that I cant be more helpful, but I know feelings are very complex and Im not in the situation myself so I wouldnt want to give any bad advice that could make things worse because of my partial knowledge of the situation. If youd like to talk further about all this, to let things out and just talk about it (something talking about it can help you figure things out), feel free to message me and Ill be glad to listen and help!
Take care and don't hesitate x
Waves ~
@LinearWaves
Thank you so much for your response. I feel as though I do need to follow my heart, because I already am feeling unsatisfied in my current relationship even though on the surface its great. I also feel guilty about even thinking about my old boyfriend while I'm with the guy I'm currently with.
Also same goes to you, if you want to talk about your situation I am all ears.
@easyPlum226
You
@easyPlum226
In a somewhat similar situation myself, seeing someone I dated 10 years ago after separating from my husband of 6 years. I still love my husband and it's hard to let go of my commitment to spend my life with him. I really meant that and wanted it. On the other hand, I was miserable in my marriage because we just have different needs. He was a good provider, but I didn't feel loved. The guy I'm seeing now makes me feel loved, so much so that I feel guilty. He's been very understanding that I'm not ready for any sort of commitment, but I can see that's what he ultimately wants. At the end of November he'll be traveling for 2 months, so I suggested we talk after that to decide where we want to go. It feels like our relationship is accelerating and it's everything I want...yet part of me is still wishing for my husband to change, even though I know it's very unlikely.
I guess my point in this is to share that you're not alone. I think trying to be as honest as you can is the best you can do.
@peacefulforest75
Thanks for your response, Im glad you are in a better situation now. It is hard to move on, even if the person isn't that great because of all the time invested in them. Wishing you the best
@easyPlum226
Thanks. One way it's easy to tell: the guy I'm currently seeing has no problem with me talking about my ex and what I struggle with. Before I left, he actually supported and encouraged me to work it out with my husband. He's also pointed out things my husband was/is thinking--things that were hard to hear at times, but I appreciated his honesty and openness.
The one time I mentioned this other guy (strictly a friend at that point, but yes an ex) to my husband, he later accused me of staying with him only because of our son.
One prioritizes honesty, openness, and communication. The other one doesn't.
