First Love -> Marriage?

Hi All,

I would like to discuss about my experience and would like to know how can I handle the situation better.

I am in my early 30s and I loved a person for the first time. I have known the person since we were undergrad students but we were not friends. The person was in relationship during undergrad with a girl for around 3-4 years until the girl broke up with him, reason being he not having a job. After graduation, when we were studying together for entrance exam to study abroad, we became friends. During this time, he was in relationship with another girl whom he wanted to marry, who was in our home county. When we came to study abroad, we were in different states and started to have a lot of discussion about studies or general topics over calls. I started to like him but didn't confess because he was in long distance relationship. After my graduation, two of us went on a trip as friends, I informed about this to my parents and he told he informed to his gf and his parents. This was the time during which his gf told she won't marry him because both of her parents were no more and she had a brother to take care of and she can't come abroad so she told him to wait for 5 years to get married which was too late according to him. He also was ready to relocate to home county but girl said no for marriage is what he told. When we went on a trip he treated me with respect as friend and never crossed a line. During trip I saw him purchasing clothes for himself by asking and calling his gf. As trip was ending, I thought I shouldn't confess and thought I would confess on airport but I confessed on last day of trip instead. He told that he loves his gf and wanted to marry her but later after few hours he initiated a kiss to which I told that he can't do that if he loves another person but we kissed because I thought I love him. After that I went to my state and next month he came to my state even when he didn't had money and told that he has started to love me and I told him again that one can't love two people at a time and I don't want to be treated as option. After that he went to his state and after 3 months asked his gf to marry again and she said no. After that he asked me for marriage and I said I am not sure although I love him. His family was ready to discuss about it but I wasn't sure. I told I am not sure and I started to look for arraigned marriage because I felt maybe I can't trust him. But when he started to look for arraigned marriage that is when I became restless and traveled to his state to discuss about marriage. I felt inside after that maybe things won't work. We discussed that we will decide after a week when he goes back to home county because his parents were seems to be not well. After going to home county he met my mom and told that his decision is that he doesn't want to marry me. He told his decision was no because my parents were not agreeing on this marriage. (When we were studying in classes, during that time, he once visited my home and told his past relationship story to my mom and that he wanted to marry his gf, also my parents had issue with his looks and past relationship) After that we started to talk as friends and few months after that I blocked him because I thought I should focus on career. After few months, he emailed me and we started to talk again and I asked for his help on career improvement. Back of my mind, I was still hoping somehow I can trust him and get married. I was still looking for arraigned marriage on matrimony sites. I told him "I feel although I am having calls with potential matches for arraigned marriage and eventually you will do the same but I still feel at the end we will get married" We had discussion on this again and he told me that I am treating him as an option and start looking for arraigned marriage. I really felt disrespected of all the love I had for him. I feel that I have imagined my life with him. I am not 100% right in this but I feel one should marry a person whom you love. Just one person that you love entire life and get married. Life isn't like that though. What should I do?