Forgiving

This is just for me, no comments please.

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Maybe I haven’t actually forgiven him. As much as I want to, maybe I haven’t. I thought that I had. I want to be capable of it. And this all makes me wonder if I’ve truly forgiven myself. To have let this happen and affect me so much. To have focused on it for so long. But I know this wasn’t my fault. I think I forgive myself. He just continues to disappoint me. He continues to dodge my questions or even allow me to speak my truth. He hasn’t forgiven himself. But he also isn’t being honest with himself. He can run all he wants, but he’s stuck with himself at the end of the day. I do wish he’d get over himself and what he’s going through long enough for me to speak my truth. I listened to him and now it’s my turn. There is literally nothing I can do about his low self esteem. He’s become infuriating to talk to and I don’t know how to get what I want and need, because he’s too wrapped up in his own despair. I’ve tried to help him. I’ve tried to wait. To empathize. But in the end he just can’t get his stuff together long enough to do ONE thing for me. One singular thing. I deserve so much better and he’s told me this as well. And yet he’s still being extremely annoying.

I swear to god if he ghosts me again I’ll have to leave…and that scares me. Because I don’t want to. And somehow that scares me more. Because I should want to. But he’s my soulmate and everything got messed up.

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no comments please, this is just for me.