Guilt, buried feelings and self-hate

Hi guys,

I so not no how to start this, so I am just going to tell you about how I feel I am stuck.

So a couple years ago I met this girl at my sports club. I had never really met a girl that I was genuinely interested in and truly started to care about. We hit it off, simple conversations, doing stuff together at the club, till eventually I asked her out.

We had a few dates, where we both had a lot of fun. I was genuinely happy. I however never 'made a move so to say, because I did not want to ruin it. She was the first person in my life where I could truly be myself and feel calm. Because I am a coward she never learned how I felt. And the nail in the coffin was the fact that she was planning to move for college.

When she did, I like a fool, dropped everything. I didn't text, I did not call, nothing. Because I thought it was over. She did come over to the club from time to time but that stopped as well.

Now over 2 years later, if I do not actively suppress those thoughts, there is not a day where I do not think about her. I keep thinking of the 100 scenarios where I wanted to hug or even kiss her, but didn't.

There have also been times where I just wanted to send her an apology and explain everything, I almost did yesterday. But dropping everything on her like that is too selfish.

I feel like I am stuck, and every girl I meet just does not compare to her... I guess she was my first true love.

I do not know what to do, but I am glad I got this off my chest. While writing this I started crying, something that I had never done before for a girl.

And possibly as you are reading this everything seems obvious as to what I should have done. But in the moment I just couldn't do anything. The funniest thing being that I have moved to a different country, meaning that it wouldn't have worked out anyways...

I do not know what to do, how to get rid of these feelings, but I am glad I got this off my chest.

Thanks guys.

- M.