Heartbroke and confused
Hi, I'm Nicole and you're about to read my stupid and crazy love story
So everything started in 2021 when I started going to highschool, and in Italy we have multiple types of highschools, like classic highschool, scientific highschool, linguistic, psychology, accounting, and ect.. (for example, I am currently studying at the second year of classic highschool, and here the most important subjects are ancient greek, latin and italian.)
At the time I was studying at the scientific highschool, (which then I changed because the most important subjects there were maths and science, and I wasn't really into it.) In this bulding there were both scientific and classic highschool, and um..one day I saw this boy in front of my school and I literally had a crush on him. He was probably one of the most beautiful boy of that school (even though a girl would rather say the opposite but for me he was everything to me). Over time my crush has turned into love and then...an obsession. I was even suspecting of his female friends because of their weird behaviour.
In the summer of 2022, I was studying greek and gettong ready to change highschool because I decided to go to the classic highschool (and also my ex teachers had told me that maybe the school that was better for me was the classic highschool, which is also considered the most hard one even if to me the scientific one was way more harder lol). My crush was studying at the classic hsc so I was super hyped and then yeah, everything went well in September 2022. I finally met him and I was part of his classroom. Then there's a whole story behind my transfer , but I'm not going to talk sbout it because it's personal stuff.
Anyway, he was one of the most funny guy in the class, he had many female friends as I said and one of his friends, a male one, is also my friend, so I thought it would've been easier to get closer to him. Anyway, I am and always been unfortunately a very shy girl so I almost never talked to him and so did he. At school I caught him many times staring at me, and there were many days which I tought that maybe a friendship would born. I think this guy wants to be my friend, but he's waiting for my response. The problem is that I'm too shy, ***..
Anyways, days were passing by, and on April 2nd we had a 4 days school trip, and in this trip my cousin's friend, which always hated my crush, told me he just got a girlfriend. I was shocked because that was one of the things I never wanted to hear. My heart melted in that moment, but I didn't believe him right away because I knew he hated him so I thought maybe he's just lying to make me stop to talk about my crush. Then in the evening there was a gossip with some of my girl classmates, and I was just sitting there and listening to them.
Then one of the girls asks me if I had a crush on someone (and then yeah I said that I liked a boy in my class and ect..) and when they understood who I was talking about, one of them said "Jeez, DO YOU REALLY LIVE HIM?! THAT'S SHOCKING.. OH, BUT HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND NOW." and everybody was kinda shocked by the news, but what shocked me for real was the fact that he got a "girlfriend" and that literally destroyed me and my trip. As soon as I got to bed I started crying, and I couldn't sleep at all.
I told to myself I wouldn't believe in that thing, because I have seen him with many girls and have fun with them, so when I saw him with a girl I was like "ok, it's just a friend" because he literally have maaaany female friends and the fact that he had a girlfriend not only disappointed me a lot but it hurt me and I still don't believe it. I also never saw him kissing "the girl" which is supposed to be his girlfriend (WHICH IS ALSO UGLY AF JESUS CHRIST I'M SORRY) and I repeat, I saw him with many girls and it just confused me a lot.
Everytime I listen to some songs they remind me of him. Every single moment. Everything. It just hurts. Hurts a lot. I am not sure he has actually a girlfriend, so I'm kind of "calm", but at the same time I feel kind of numb whenever they talk about him to me (even though I still get that little and involuntary smile and blush when I see him getting closer to me).
I really don't understand why I feel so disgusting. It's like a mix of bad emotions. Sometimes I tell myself "well, I could've tried to be his girlfriend, If I only could at least talk to him, but I'm too f*cking shy, so it's all my fault" and some other times I think "it's just a lie. He's single." This confusion is really hurting me. I still have a crush on him. I may try to become his friend, but I don't feel ok.
Sorry guys if you had to read all this dramatic and depressing story but I had to let out every single piece of ny heart which was broke to pieces. I hope you can understand. 😞
@NickyYayUwU Hi Nicole, thank you for sharing your story with us. It takes a lot of courage to open up about your emotions, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. It sounds like you have strong feelings for this boy, and it's understandable that hearing he has a girlfriend was hurtful for you.
It's important to remember that your feelings are valid, and it's okay to feel confused and hurt. It's also okay to be shy and take things at your own pace. You don't have to rush into anything or force yourself to become friends with him if you don't feel comfortable doing so.
In the end, it's important to prioritize your own well-being and do what's best for you. You deserve happiness and love, and I believe that with time and patience, you'll find someone who reciprocates your feelings and treats you with the respect and care that you deserve.
Thank you for the support 😞❤️❤️❤️
Sometimes I think it's always my fault because I have no courage to talk to people or to who I want to talk to, and it's so bothering. I just want to be myself around people but I can't .. 😞😞😞
@NickyYayUwU
I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling that way. It's okay to struggle with social anxiety and it's not your fault. Have you considered talking to a therapist or counsellor who can help you work through these feelings and develop strategies to feel more comfortable around others? I am also available if you want to chat with a listener. Remember that it's important to be kind and patient with yourself as you navigate these challenges ❤️
Yes I am talking to a therapist (at the moment no) but I usually don't talk about "me" or how I truly feel because first since I'm still a minor I have to be inside the room with a parent (which is my mother) and I don't want her to hear what I say because it's just embarassing. Also I don't really feel comfortable with this person... I once tried to talk about a thing but I was so stressed out that she randomly asked me if I was okay, and I remember I said yes but then started crying uncontrollably and that was sooo embarassing. She was asking me stuff but I couldn't respond at all because my voice was cracking all the time. I remember I started getting angry at myself let's say and I yelled at myself again "why do I always cry?? I don't mean to cry" and both my therapist and my mother started laughing hard.....why do you have to laugh I mean ? That was not funny at all. I told to my mom how bothered I was because they're were laughing as I got out of that place, and I also told her that she wasn't helping me at all. She said that I need to take confidence and that stuff will get better "over time". Over time? Getting confidence with somebody who laughs at you because you're crying? I don't think so. She never asks me how I feel, she only asks me about dumb stuff like school...like why would you even care what I do at school? Jeez...
By the way sorry for the long message but I felt like I had to spoke to you about this thing, to let go this heavy stuff that was inside me. I'd rather talk about these things with a listener like you who seems to really understand me, than a person like my therapist...
@NickyYayUwU I'm so sorry to hear about your experience with your therapist. It sounds like you haven't been given the space or support you need to talk about what's really going on for you. It's completely understandable that you feel uncomfortable talking about personal issues in front of your parent, and it's not fair that you're being laughed at when you're trying to open up. Their behaviour is completely unprofessional and inappropriate. It's indispensable to be able to talk one-on-one with a therapist in complete confidentiality, and to be respected by them.
However, it's very great that you're reaching out to talk about this with a listener who will listen without judgment. It takes courage to share your feelings and experiences, and it's important to have a safe space to do that. You deserve to have someone who will listen to you, ask you how you're feeling, and help you work through the challenges you're facing.