Help with tone

@Chillmode365

I can be difficult to hear our own tone, and I think this sort of issue is quite common in relationships. I know it comes up from time to time in my own relationship with my husband that one of us will get offended at the other's tone of voice; in our case it goes both ways, so I've been both on your side of things and your wife's side of things here. It can be frustrating, because I know how it feels to feel hurt and offended by something that I assumed was meant to be rude and it turns out he didn't mean it that way, and I also know how it feels to be accused of taking a rude tone and be at a loss because I didn't mean it that way!

While I do think we need to listen to each other's words, words are only part of communication, and in verbal face to face communication both tone of voice and body langue play a large part. I don't think it's reasonable to ask someone to ignore tone or body language, as that's a huge part of human communication. The tone can drastically change the meaning of a simple string of words. Think for example of this question: "What are you doing here?" Simply putting the emphasis on different words can change the meaning, but also the overall tone can change the meaning. It could be a simple expression of confusion; it could be a happy expression of surprise; it could even be a condescending expression of just how unwelcome the other person is wherever that "here" happens to be.

I don't know if I have any really good answers to how to make your tone come across as less rude, since as I've said I struggle with this on occasion too. But paying attention to how other people sound when they talk and also taking note of how you were speaking when your wife complained could both offer some clues. Since she did in fact agree to marry you, I can't imagine you came across as rude in every single thing you've ever said to her; it can't be a constant thing. I know for myself I tend to come across as rude when I'm tired or upset/on edge or distracted. Maybe something similar is going on for you.

Ultimately, I think the most important thing is to apologize when she points out that you sounded rude and explain what you really meant. Try to accept that while you didn't mean to be rude, the way she interpreted your tone isn't exactly her fault and probably isn't something she's doing on purpose. Communication is about both speaking and listening, and there can be failings in both; we're all human and we all make mistakes. Perhaps part of the reason she's interpreting your tone as rude is that other people in her life use or used that same tone when being actively and intentionally rude. Maybe she's tired or upset about other things and that's causing her to hear your tone differently than she would otherwise.