House Chores
Hi again! I posted some time ago about it, but I guess that the mesage went quickly down the list. I wanted to ask some advice and see if some of you have the same problem.
I wanted to start a conversation about how to share the house chores with your partner (or housemate even). I looked in the forum and I did not see a post about it but please if I am wrong tell me and I will join it.
I know that house chores are one of the main reasons for fighting in couples (or that's what I read at least) and I think that sharing our experiences could help to get better strategies to avoid fighting.
In my case this is something that really bothers me, and it is seriously afecting my relation. He has a stable scheduled job, coming a home after being 8 hours of working. I have hovewer a more changing schedule as I am following a master. Some months I study from home and other times I am away 10 to 12 hours a day (because my internships are far away).
I would not say that I am extremist about the cleaning (at least none of my housemates complained about me wanting to clean too much) but I really like things to be tidy (no dirty dishes in the counter, no clothes in the floor etc). My partner for the other hand can spend weeks without cleaning, leaving the laundry in the basket (or even the floor) for weeks, not doing the dishes etc. He is not a very dirty man (I lived with worse people) but he just does not care. While I would clean once a week the house (plus the everyday cleaning) he would clean once a month (or less).
Because of this last months I have been working from home (being extremly busy, stressed and depresed because of the master) I have ended up doing most of the cleaning. At the begining it was just preparing the meals (after all I am more at home no? I have more time) but it has ended up being me doing the laundry, folding it, chaging the towels and bedshits, cooking, making the groceries list, cleaning, tidying, gardening, etc.
When we started living together we agreeded in sharing the house chores and I sugested a few methods that we could use to split the tasks (cleaning one week one, the next the other person; puting a board in the kitchen with the list of rooms and who cleaned them; scheduling the cleaning; using an app to track the cleaning etc.). He is never interested in talking about it and he is never cooperating in the scheduling or planing. He says that we should clean 'when it is dirty' but as our standards are so different this obviously does not work. Finally, tired of sugesting ideas I told him that I would give him a few months to come up with a better ideas. But he hasnt...
I do not know how to talk to him anymore, because he is never interested in us talking about it. If I tell him to do a chore he will but he gets angry at me for nagging him. After a big fight I sugested using an app (Homey, quite nice), we sat and agreeded in every chore (that I planned, he wasnt interested), who would do it and how many times (we went to cleaning twice a month, which for me is already quite low but I was fine with it). After two weeks I noticed that he did not do his chores (except vacumming the floor) so in a (wrong) effort to help I asked him if he wanted me to clean the kitchen with him once (to show him all the small tasks that this implies). He got really angry at me 'because I never think that he did something well' and refused to clean the rest of the kitchen (he agreeded on dusting, cleaning the counter/fire/sink/table, cleaning the doors of the cabinets if they were dirty, vacumming and mopping). That time he only vacumed (using a cleaning robot so he only needed to set it on) so I do not see how I was 'the bad one' for asking him to finish the rest of the tasks.
I got really angry and we fought but after we calmed down we decided that from that moment he was going to be in charge of the planing (so he could not acuse me of naging or to want to clean too much). During this two last months I have tried to be very patient, only clean when he cleans (to not do his job and let him see what needs to be done) and never tell him to clean. It has not worked too, because he barely cleans at all. He may do one ot two things a week (like puting the dishwasher and puting the washing once) and for him thats it (so I would need to empty the dishwasher, put the dryer and fod the clothes for example).
I really do not know what to do because I really love him (and he loves me back) but I can't continue like this. I really do not know how to talk about this anymore, or if I should. Sometimes I think that I should just stop cleaning at all (to show him that things do not get done by themselves) but it really hurts me to see the kitchen dirty, the sink full of dishes or to not have a nice meal if I dont prepare it.
Any sugestions, please?
@Greensheep Thank you for sharing, this is indeed a distressing situation. I'm really sorry that you're going through this.
Sometimes, the unbalance between lifestyles can overweight love and make it very difficult to stay together. When people have different views on something that is important to at least one of them, I could be a good idea to find some sort of compromise. You have taken this step with your partner, but you're still unhappy. How about asking yourself why this bothers you so much? Maybe ask him why is he unable to help at home as much as you wished?
Yes, he said he likes cleaning when it's dirty, but maybe he would be willing to take an extra step for your well-being. Clearly this affects you quite a lot, and you have already done your share towards compromise. What other options do you have?
@AiluraBlaze
Hi, thank you for your kind reply. It is indeed a difficult situation.
It distresses me so much because it makes me feel not valuated and because I am afraid that this will develop in a typical Male-Female relation (she takes care of the house even if she is working full time). I dont know how else tell him, every time that I talk about it (calmly, like lets plan what we can do) he refuses to talk or he gets angry...
He is used to live alone and to spend all his free time watching movies or gaming. I dont understand that attitude. I love gaming and reading but I know what are my responsabilities and that I need to do them. For example today I cleaned my part and his (he has been a whole month not cleaning and tomorrow a friend of mine is visiting so I am ashamed of the dirt). I walked the dog, trained and fed her, water the plants, fill empty and fill again the dishwasher and tidy the bedroom. Part of the dishes were from his family that came by, but when they left he webt upstairs, leting me clean all the mess in the kitchen...
I love him and we are extremly compatible in other aspects but he is really not willing to do his share. For the house chores he is uncompatible for me. It makes me feel so lonely and unloved... But I dont want this relation to end. I moved to a different country to be with him, we just adopted a dog and I just finished moving all my books and things here. I really dont want to loose him.
@Greensheep That sounds like really complicated state of affairs. :/
This matter touches some of your most important feelings. You say you feel lonely, you don't feel valued and you're afraid this might affect the roles in the relationship. It also seems like he doesn't really want to make efforts to change and make things easier at home. If he refuses to talk abut it and eventually gets angry, then there's very probably something else beyond the "it's useless to clean if it isn't dirty" attitude.
Moreover, you seem to be doing all the essential chores at home... What could be driving him to behave like this? Do you think there's a chance for change before it's too much for you?
I can see you love him and you don't want to end the relationship and I'm happy that you're compatible in other aspects. But if this matter is very important to you, and it's something you have to deal with daily, it might be time to find a solution, before either of you snap... What do you think?
@AiluraBlaze
Yes, thats why I really want to find a way to convince him to participate more without more anger. I do believe that we can find a solution but I am not sure how...
@Greensheep How about talking about it to common friends or his family?
@Greensheep
The first issue I find here is that when he doesn't do stuff YOU end up doing it. Completly not ok.
When someone doesn't do it you take measures. You're not a slave to do other people's chores. To not mention human beings should live in a decent clean environment.
Pull out a papper , sit down with him and say "ok from all the chores go ahead and choose some". So he'll be the one choosing them and there's no excuse here. Also remember to distribute them properly. Since you work harder give him more chores OR give them chores that demand some more physical work.
Is all a matter of coping and finding an understanding point.
If he doesn't contribute even 1% to your well being and your safe place (your home) then honestly tell him how it is.
A relationship is about commitment and respect, not just one party doing everything by themselves.
@Booklover95
Well its not as simple, he chose his chores, he just does not do them and does not understand why I get mad if they are not done... I did his part last time because I did not want my friend to live in filth, but sometimes I feel that is the only way to not live in a mess... Last time I cleaned his part it wasnt done in a whole month :/ You can imagine how was the bathroom...
@Greensheep
Didn't say was easy, I can see by your frustration is not.
But you have to show that he either does it or you're out. Is not fair for you to live a life of basically slavery