How To Let Go

Hello all,

I honestly can't believe that I'm writing on here about this but here it goes.

About 2 years ago, I was on vacation with my family, and I really liked the guy at the front desk of the one hotel we stayed at. Long story short, I wrote my phone number on a napkin and basically told him that I was into him, and he actually texted me back. I've never had a boyfriend, or even a first kiss/date before, so the fact that this guy was into me was truly a first for me (I shot my shot and made it for the first time!). It was the first and only time I felt the feeling of someone I liked liking me back. And it was amazing. While it lasted.

I eventually went back home (about 500 miles away) but we would still text everyday for the next week. He was amazing, like my perfect guy. He was smart, a little dorky, a musician, funny, sweet, easy to talk to, and we both had an unhealthy obession with The Beatles (which I've never shared with anyone close to my age). He was the first guy I stayed up late talking to, even though I had work early the next morning. Life seemed perfect.

The only problem was not only the distance, but also the age gap. Eight years isn't too bad, but at the time, I was a week-shy of 17, and he was 25. Due to this, we promised to remain "pen pals" for another year. This didn't happen.

We were both aware of the distance and age difference from the first night we started talking. But after about a week of already hundreds of messages exchanged, he stopped answering. When I got off work that day, I noticed that he removed me on all the social media sites we just added each other on. I texted him a bunch of messages, asking what happened, what I did wrong. He finally responded hours later, and said that the age and distance was too much, and that I would find the right guy, but that it's not him. This was a day before my 17th birthday. I was terribly devestated and depressed. Even to this day, we haven't talked since.

It wasn't a real or official relationship. It's not like we were in love. We barely knew each other.

This is what my friends and family would constantly remind me of. But in my heart, it felt real. I was young, naive, and maybe got my hopes up too high and got a little too excited and hopeful. It took me months to recover. To realize that there was life after him. That I would find someone knew. That I should be grateful for the experience. To move on.

But even now, I still get these random waves where I miss him.

I'm 19 now. I've obviously liked other guys after that experience. But I haven't felt the connection, that gut feeling, with anyone like I did with the hotel guy. And still to this day, I have yet to experience my first kiss, my first relationship, my first love.

But I can't help but wonder if I will ever meet someone who made me feel as good as hotel guy did. Someone who I had so much in common with, someone who felt like my perfect match, someone I liked so much. The last time I reached out to him was last year, and still don't hear from him. I don't want to seem obsessive, but I feel like I wasn't given a real chance with him. Like I said, I was so young and naive, and I was handed my dream guy, and I messed it up because I was being too immature. But now I feel older, wiser, ready to take things more seriously. And yet he still has no interest in talking to me. I feel like he was the one that got away.

I hate that I feel like I will never move on from him. I want to find someone new, but I feel like no one will make me feel as comfortable or happy as he did. I miss him, still. In random waves. It's not as bad as it was a couple years ago, but those feelings are still there.

I don't know how to move on from him. Or if I ever will. I want him back, but I know I'll never get the luck. I still feel like he was one of a kind. He was my perfect match that I let slip away because of bad timing. If only we went on vacation a year later.