How do I keep hope?
I’ve been on and off (two breakups) with high school sweetheart for about 7 years. So this is the 3rd and last chance, he has sworn he will make it work and that he can’t fail because I’m “all he wants”. If this is true why does it seem like it’s not working? Why does he still lie? Why is he always making excuses? Why does he keep disappointing me? And why does he seem not to care?
He has got to be the worst communicator, and I can’t ever seem to trust what he says… I’ve caught him in so many lies, usually really unnecessary ones too. He always says he loves and cares about me but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel like he considers me. He makes me feel awful sometimes. Is it me being too picky?
You know like am I nagging him too much? Do I expect too much? I just want him to talk to me and it always turns into an argument.
He told me he would go to therapy and I was super happy because he needs to sort his shiz out but it’s been months and he hasn’t pursued it… possibly another empty promise he makes to fool me.
I see him acting in old habits he said he would stop. Like talking badly about me to his dad after we have a disagreement (and a resolution too). SMH.
I live with him too, because I’m an idiot, so I feel this needs to work out. And he’s such a lying, manipulator I can’t tell whether it’s him or me.
So how do I make it work? How do I keep hope? I’m at a serious loss here…
@number88 Hi. Couples therapy can be ineffective sometimes even when both parties are more engaged. The fact that he said he would go, but isn’t doesn’t seem to be good evidence that he wants to change. But, you also said he needs it because he has a lot “he” needs to work on. I think what you said illustrates a trap that people set up even before entering couples therapy. The idea that the couples therapy will fix your partner’s issues, rather than the issues in the relationship. If only he would straighten up and fly right, our relationship would work. Now, having said that, from your description it sound like his behavior and attitude is the main problem. You can’t “fix” him, even if you get him to couples therapy. Now, having said that, it doesn’t mean you can’t do anything to improve the relationship. In fact, this relationship might get to a really great place you never imagined possible. It is possible that it could also fail, but in the process of trying to learn how you might make it work you could learn some skills that will be of tremendous value in your other relationships. I’m going to suggest a book that helped me save relationships I thought barely had a chance - I almost certainly thought my efforts would fail. And they would have, had I not found this book and worked through its exercises. The book is easy to understand, the exercises are not terribly hard, but it does take a while to get through. It is something for you to read, not for him. This is NOT a shared couples exercise. I wouldn’t even let him know you were reading it. Spend a month with this book, and you might be amazed. I certainly was. “Feeling Good Together,” by Dr David Burns.
— All the best
Expectation creates the possibility of disappointment. If you expect nothing there can be no disappointment even though there has to be expectation for there to be a relationship. This is because there is the notion of who someone is and how they are. Hope will deceive you into believing a liar like it already has, he lies because he is indecisive. All of these contradictons are because of indecisiveness, he treats you one way and does or says something that contradicts that.
Saying you will stop a habit will not help you drop the habit. The practice of mindfulness creates the awareness that allows one to observe their habits, when one is more aware of what they do they can then change what they do.
You do not have to believe what anyone says, boyfriend or not. Observe their actions. Believing what is said will make it much easier to be disappointed when they do otherwise.
Men require discipline to cultivate a decisive attitude. When he gets discipline he will improve. This may be through the practice of mindfulness, fasting, bootcamp or meditation, whatever. His mind is disorganized and he does not see the consequences of lying because he has yet to see their consequences. He gets away with it. With discipline his mind will become more organized and he will see no benefit to lying because there are none. He will have clarity.
There are all kinds of people like this, you may call him a narcissist. Regardless, discipline is required to solve this issue. It is up to him to take disciplinary action just as it is up to him to lie or tell the truth.
