Hurting and Confused
Warning: only read if you're 18+
I've been online friends with a girl for about a year (and a bit more) and it's the closest ive been with a friend who I don't know in person. She means a lot to me and I know she struggles with mental health issues just like myself. probably half a year ago her and myself were more intimate in our texts (pet names, and also more "age regression" terms). We'd be there for each other when we needed care and support, and using terms like "mommy" or "baby" would calm that part of us that seeked comfort. Over time when we would engage more explicitly with each other (texts and audio messages) she seemed to pull away and would tell me that she doesn't have the mental strength to deal with sexual chats right now and I told her that was fine. Eventually I just stopped initiating and then the age play/comfort chats stopped as well and only recently did she ask where it went and if we could try it again (just without the explicit parts). we both agreed but its not come up very recently.
I'm really missing that comfort I got when we would text sweet things to each other, and I know im probably wishing for something that won't happen again. our friendship feels different now, texting less often (we used to text all the time basically every other day) but that original happy feeling I had when I'd text her is more rare now. I'm still trying to learn how to cope with the absence of her affection in my life. I already struggle with loneliness, touch starvation, etc. in my daily life and knowing we won't ever be how we were is a hard thing to process. I just wish I could have someone in my life who I could find that care and positive touch from without feeling scared of what our friendship/relationship will become or constantly feeling down and unwanted.
I'm trying to work on myself but sometimes its so hard to feel like I'm wanted or cared for when no one asks how I'm doing or gives me the touch that I crave to feel okay.
Apologies for the rant, I just really need someone in my life right now. -Grace <3
@kindnessngrace
P.S. I have tried overall improving my mental health through therapy, getting outside and finding ways of self care, asking for hugs but its not the same. there's days where it's crushingly obvious that I need someone to envelop me in a hug (how I imagine a relationship partner would) and tell me things are okay, or else I feel like I'll break apart.
Sometimes when we emotionally connect with someone else, someone that understands you and makes you happy, feelings develop and that rush is intense. As you mentioned this intimacy has built up over a period of time, this is something that will take time to heal from too. Perhaps you need to have a real and deep chat with her about how you feel, she might be feeling unsure of your intentions or where this is going to. It's even worse to ignore it and sweep it under the carpet, that will never make anything better.
As for your crave for physical touch, it might not be much with anyone expect this woman you have fallen for, which is going back to the intimacy you had with her. Try talking to her first, all the best relationships start out with a solid base of friendship. If your heart is full, your body should automatically follow.
I can only imagine these feelings seem unbearable but they are totally valid. Allow yourself to work through them and not repress your emotions.
I'm here if you need someone to talk to
@WICKS22 thank you so much for this, and I'd much like to take you up on that chat if I can
best,
grace
