Hurt vs friendship

We started off as work colleagues. Over 3 years we became close friends.. one of the few each had in the small community of our workplace. I started liking him Becos of his nature and wanted to pursue a relationship. But I never gathered the courage Becos I knew the answer. From day 1 of our friendship, he used to say he will marry a girl his Parents chose Becos their community is conservative. He doesn’t want to shame his parents on his account if he marries for love. He used to keep repeating it to me and others.

Sometimes I felt a very subtle undercurrent of it being more than friendship but it wud disappear. though he used to confide in many personal details, hw never mentioned the arranged proposals he was meeting

a month back he told me he is betrothed to some girl his parents chose and he also was comfortable with. I broke down and confessed. He obviously said he saw me as a friend and never kept his mind for anyone except the girls suggested by his parents.

I’m not expecting him to do anything but I just wanted to tell him once in my life. He wants me to be normal Becos he thinks as a friend he hasn’t changed. I can’t be normal. I’m hurt and jealous though I’m not blaming him.

I have to see him being happy and it hurts me. Then I start hating myself that I’m not a good friend. The cycle continues. I have confided all my feelings to him.. he is supportive. But the day he invited for his engagement, he came in jauntily and happily mentioned it without any consideration.

I dunno I’m pulled between being a friend guilt and hurt/ jealous/ resentment. I’m ashamed at myself and I dunno how to be to get my sanity back. I want to be stoic and I dunno how

i have anxiety attacks every morning and night